Harry Potter x Reader Oneshots - All Generations

James Potter I

(A/N I have no idea what happened with this chapter. I like where it went but it's a bit unorthodox. The character I wrote ended up being pretty odd and kinda all over the place with her emotions. But aren't we all sometimes? (-: And some of the things mentioned may not be accurate with the time period, but just go with it. I hope you guys like it, even with all it's weirdness.)

Requested by: CubeSMP1513

You sat in the noisy grand hall and lazily ate the food in front of you. There were still platters of food left uneaten by students, but there was a constant wave of grubby hands snatching their contents off the plates. Even among all the chaotic chatter, you felt alone and cold. The candle shone dimly and flickered in slow lazy strokes. You looked up, through your hanging, still, dead hair. It moved quietly in front of your eyes as you looked up the table to a young laughing boy. He was so at ease and happy, even when you felt the an enormous force crashing on top of you. It didn't hurt, it just slowly smothered down all of the world but you and left you in a quiet hole of an existence. You didn't want to admit he'd been the reason for your sadness, but he was indeed a factor, as much as you hated to be the girl who was so obsessed with a guy her whole world collapsed without him. No person should have such a hollow life, and no guy should be faced with that burden. You didn't want to be a burden or a cliché, you just wanted to be his and for him to be yours and for him to actually want it. That was no longer an option now, now that he loved Lily.

You looked down at your food and sighed. It wasn't with sadness, but instead anger. Anger at yourself for letting yourself get caught up in a crush. James Potter had always loved Lily Evans, you'd just been too blind to see it. Anger felt good, if that was what good felt like. It felt different, but still meaningless in the small hole in the universe you were locked in. One he was locked out of, but he never noticed the cage that surrounded and constricted you and never tried to save you. He'd been close to it once, but then he fell in love with Lily.

You sighed again and the people around you took notice, including a certain bookwormish friend of James. Now there was no emotion. You didn't feel anger, not towards James or yourself. Just truth. Cold hard truth pushing on your eyelids and weighing your body down so that picking up the fork to eat was too arduous a task. It wasn't his fault he couldn't see the cage, you'd been the one to make it in the first place, though a few Slytherins and Ravenclaws were quick to help gather the materials. You wanted to blame them too, but just couldn't find the heart.

You looked up again and saw Remus Lupin sneaking worried glances at you between his scattered conversation and James was talking. You thought you heard your name, but then the name Evans came afterward. It must have been just your imagination. You tried to listen in, but that too was too difficult. You didn't want to be that girl either. You may have liked James, but you weren't going to cross into stalker territory. You were happy where you were, even if you couldn't feel the happiness. In fairness you didn't feel sad either, that could be considered happiness. You used just this argument when Remus confronted you in the hallway after dinner.

"You have to feel something," He said, so close to begging you thought he might turn into a dog. You instantly felt bad about the thought. You knew he was a werewolf and felt it was wrong to joke about it, even if his friends did it.

You shrugged. "I'm just too stressed by classes to focus on my feelings right now."

"That's not healthy," He said.

You rolled your eyes and smiled, it seemed just as natural as eating, but also just as meaningless. "When exams are over and I get summer break I'll be back to normal."

"What is normal anymore?" He muttered under his breath. He waved you goodbye quickly and walked with his head down, continuing to mutter under his breath about something that was obviously troubling. James name was somewhere in there, but you didn't care. You walked just a little taller. The more you distanced yourself away from your feelings about James, the closer you'd get to unlocking yourself from this cage. The bullying had slowed to a stop when they started to realize they had no effect anymore. At least, that's what you assume happened. It happened in a time when you heard nothing, and reacted to nothing. Maybe this was a gift hidden in a curse, as soon as you pushed through this phase you would be freer than ever. A phase. That was what your mother called it, but that was a long time ago and she hadn't heard the full story. After she said that you didn't want to tell her anyting else. Maybe she was right, but you barely could remember what she meant by it. There were phases of mitosis in the cell cycle, but those repeated again after a time. Was it that kind of phase? Were you doomed to repeat this again? Just like the moon repeats it's phases, you'd have to endure slipping in through the darkness for just a moment in the light until the darkness crept towards you again and there would be times there was so much darkness you couldn't be seen. You shook your head, but there was no one around but your own doubt to see it. If that was what a phase was, you refused to believe your life would be one. But, if it wasn't a phase, did that mean you were doomed to darkness forever? You weren't sure which you preferred, but you knew that either was going to happen. As long as James loved Lily, and he was infatuated, you were doomed, whether you still loved James or not. You felt a glimpse of happiness. If your fate was already decided, there was no use in doing anything. You didn't have to move on from James, you didn't have to endure the painful memories of when you thought he liked you too. You could hide those thoughts away in the far away darkness and let the rest of fate come to you. All you had to was wait. You wouldn't have to be pained, or sad, angry, happy, or jealous. You could wait in your blanket of the universe and not feel a thing as you were dealt your hand.