Abstinence

Chapter 9.

I was pacing back and forth in the kitchen and Hayden was staring at me, tight-lipped and repentant. Is he feeling guilty because of what he did, or because he's kept this from me? There is absolutely nothing in the world he can say that can make this okay. I won't be able to look past this one. He is telling me he previously raped one of his friends, while he is currently on probation for being charged with raping Lina.

How could he do something like this to someone? He was never going to tell me about it either, he has too many odious secrets that he never plans on telling me about. Why does he feel he needs to keep things from me?

It's like a never ending story with him, you end one chapter and a new one begins. This chapter would be called The Enigmatic Rapist. Because apparently he has a history of raping women who are close to him.

I have so much to say to him, so many questions to ask him but all I can get out is, "What the fuck?"

"It was years ago Alice and Olivia and I buried the situation before she moved away. There were never any charges made and I paid her what she asked for."

"You actually raped her?" I was feeling queazy, like at any moment I was going to get sick all over the kitchen floor.

"I was–" I couldn't be bothered to hear any of his excuses as to why he did it at this moment. He didn't say no which means that he did it. Ignorance is bliss, right? The less you know the better, right?

"If you did this before, why can't you do it again. How should I believe you when you say you didn't rape Lina?"

"Because I didn't, Alice I am not lying to you about this. I did not rape her." Even though I don't want to in this very moment, I believe him when he tells me he didn't do it.

This new information is ruining my entire morning.

"Where is Olivia now?" I wondered.

"She is in Canada living with her husband and three children."

"You still talk with her?"

"I violated her Alice, I want to make sure she's doing okay and that I didn't ruin her the way I ruined myself." How fucking sweet.

I can't listen to this without knowing why he did it. Ignorance is not bliss. When you're ignorant about the person you're with, shit happens and you end up getting yourself hurt because you didn't know what this person was capable of. So, I need to know why. I need to know what possessed him to do something like this to someone he called his friend. I need to know.

"Why did you do it Hayden?"

"Because I could." Was his answer. Those three little words feel like a knife piercing directly into my heart over and over, twisting and turning until there's nothing left to stab.

Unwelcome hot tears stream down my face, and I cover my mouth shaking my head in disbelief. I can't believe he could actually do this. I know everyone is capable of something, but hearing him admit to what he's done is tearing me apart.

"I was revoltingly intoxicated and she was there. She was comfortable enough with me to walk around only in tank tops and panties so I took advantage of her and I fucked her while she cried and begged me to stop. I fucked her over and over and over again. And I enjoyed every fucking second of it until the next morning when I realized what I did to her."

He pauses and I don't know if he was waiting for me to comment but I had nothing more to say to him. He wants to do to me what he did to her and that is a frightening thought.

"I never looked at her in a sexual way until that night. She was the only person I trusted. She knew about everything before anyone else. She knew about Lina and Paige and Heather, the excess porn watching and masturbation, the strip clubs and the money I spent on women. She knew it all but she still saw me as a friend. And as per usual I fucked all of that up the minute I decided to pick up that bottle of Bourbon."