Abstinence

Chapter 30.

Hayden's POV

I inhale deeply as I lower my body towards the floor until my chest is almost touching the ground. Exhaling, I push myself back up until my arms are fully extended. I repeat this forty more times before I hear a knock outside of the cell door.

"Dinner, eat up." The tray of food is slid into the small square room from a tiny slit in the door. The food looks almost as revolting as cat food, but no one would even feed this shit to a rat. I'm not really sure what the fuck any of it is besides the salad, milk, and coffee. I can't even begin to name what this white creamy shit is, but if I'm not mistaken there's chicken in it, and to top off the vulgar meal there are little fruits that look like tomatoes.

Being in this situation has put me in a state I don't think I can ever recover from. There's ghastly food in front of me that look and taste like absolute rubbish and I have no choice but to eat it because if I don't I will starve to death. Even with the food being as disgusting as it is, I will not waste it because there are people in this world that would prefer a plate of shitty prison food over starvation.

On the verge of vomiting one spoonful of the strange chicken and dumplings, I swallow it down before it came back up. I can't stop myself from wondering what Alice is currently doing. Is she eating good? Is she sleeping well at night? Does she cry herself to sleep because of me? Does she hate me for putting us in this situation? What does she think of me now? Is she okay? Should I let her go?

That last question that appears in my mind causes me to get frustrated. I know she deserves better than me. I know I don't make her happy as someone else could. I know that since I'm not there with her and she's out doing things on her own, some other man will try to make his way into her life. She doesn't come and visit me often, I haven't seen her since the morning of my hearing and she didn't utter a single word to me or even smile. She may be already distancing herself from me, and when I get out, she's either going to leave or everything between will be different and I will selflessly have to let her go. I care about her happiness more than my own, and if I can't make her happy anymore, I want her to find someone else who can.

The most difficult thing about loving someone is knowing when to let them go. It's knowing when to take a step back to give them everything that they need. I don't want her to stay with me because she pities me, I want her to find joy whenever we're together. If I elate her—which I know for certain, I don't—then we can be together. But if I don't, why would I force her to be with me?

This entire time, from the moment I was arrested, I was only thinking of myself and what I wanted. Sitting in here and not having her beside me, or hearing her laugh loudly, or even just having her randomly tell me she loves me and peppering my face and chest with her kisses, makes me realize that this isn't only about me. I have a beautiful woman at home who has tried to do everything for me and for my pleasure, she loves and supports me, she stands by me no matter what. Am I hurting her? Being in this situation and still keeping many secrets from her, am I causing her pain? Do I make her second guess us, the way I'm doing now?

Since I've been incarcerated all I can do is think and guess and wonder and imagine and regret and fantasize. It's just me, myself, and my thoughts.

I manage to finish the tray of food including the bitter coffee and weird tasting milk. Banging on the cell door, I hope to gain some attention from one of the guards.

"Inmate, stop the banging!" I hear just outside of the door. I feel like I haven't seen an actual human in a decade. A decade is dramatic, but I don't even know what fucking day it is. I think I went to the courthouse a week ago, or a few days ago . . . but to be honest I don't fucking know.