Abstinence

Chapter 46.

"Every time I look into your eyes I see it, you're all I need..."

(Daniel Caesar - Get You)

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Our morning started out just as it did yesterday. He dreamt of her, cried over her, and forced himself to stay awake so it didn't happen again. He told me he accidentally fell asleep sometime around four in the morning. It was six when we woke up. He told me not to stay up, this time I should go back to sleep, even if it was for just an hour. And quite honestly, I needed that extra hour.

I've been feeling so overwhelmed with every different emotion you can think of and the only time I feel at peace is when I'm asleep. I don't want to drink to avoid anything then I find myself becoming an alcoholic because any time it gets hard I drink. I don't want to be that person. I don't have much to distract me from my thoughts and problems, all I really have is Hayden and work.

I've never been good at dealing with my feelings or my emotions. I do what my mother did to me. I leave. In some way I feel like if I just leave it all behind it will go away and I'll be okay. But I don't want to leave Hayden. I want to be his wife and mother of his children. I want a future with him. It hurts me that I can't help him with his depressive feelings and that I have this disgusting urge to run.

Don't get me wrong, I want to help him in any way I can. I want to be his confidant and his solace. I desire to be the one he can tell everything to and the one who holds him when it gets too hard for him. I just don't know how to be that person for Hayden.

"You haven't reconsidered coming?" Hayden asked for the third time since I told him I wasn't going. I almost think he really wants me to go. I didn't give him my reasoning for saying no, I just said no.

Given our history I felt it would have been disrespectful for me to attend Lina's funeral. I didn't like her and she felt the same way about me. She tried to end my relationship multiple times because she wanted it for herself. She hired someone to kill me though he just barely missed after being interrupted by Hayden's security. I never wished evil upon Lina and I surely never wanted her to die, but I still don't think it's right for me to go.

"No." I answer simply watching him put on his tie from the bed. "You want me to come?"

"I would like your support."

"I'll be here when you get back Hayden. Whatever you want and need, I'll cater to you." I promise him and mean it. I will support him in any way he wants but one thing I won't do is go with him to her funeral. Is it wrong of me to not attend or even want to? "Are you okay with that?"

"Sure." Even as he says this I know he doesn't mean it. He doesn't even try to force a small smile or even half smile. I feel bad but my mind is already made up. He picks up his eulogy that he spent all night writing yesterday before leaving without saying another word to me.

Unfortunately, I can feel Hayden slipping away from me, from us, and I haven't the slightest clue how to pull him back to me. Up until now, I've done everything that he's asked, everything that I knew could lift his spirits. I'm learning now that there's is nothing I can actually do for him.

I was not close to Lina the way he was. In every twisted way, they loved each other long before I came into the picture. Hayden and Lina grew up together, lost their virginities to one another, cared about the other, and used each other in ever aspect. They were friends even after what she did to him. He lost a close friend and he doesn't know how to handle it, and I don't know how to help him deal with it.