Abstinence

Chapter 38.

Hayden's POV

For some reason it's an odd feeling to lie beside Alice after our night last night. Something about her is different, and something about myself is even more different. I told myself I wasn't going to fuck and that I would make love to her, but as soon as I got into the bedroom, I couldn't help myself. It's like something overtook me, that beast that I despise came back last night.

On the surface I can try to blame Alice for getting me to that point but I know it's not her fault, at all. Even if I wanted to I couldn't fight the person that overtook me last night. It was almost as if, the man that I used to, the man I nearly craved to be, came back yesterday but instead of enjoying it, I wish it never happened.

I tried to makeup for it by having sex with her in the shower earlier this morning but even that hadn't helped.

Alice groans as her alarm rings around the room before turning it off. "Hey, good morning." She turns in the bed, staring at me, a wide smile stretching onto her face.

"Morning." I mumble my response. I don't understand my attitude towards her, but I can't seem to shake whatever mood this is.

She enjoyed herself.  I didn't hurt her. That should be a good thing.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I wonder how long she will let me get away with this answer.

"Is it because you're finally going to your appointment with Dr. James?" No longer than a second.

"No Alice, that has nothing to do with this."

"So there's a reason behind your mood? You've been like this since last night and I don't necessarily know why. Is it something I did?"

"No Alice, please let it go." I rise from the bed, leaving her there naked and under the covers. "Do you want breakfast before work?"

"Um, no, I'm not hungry right now."

"You should eat."

"I'll have a muffin at work."

In order to stop myself from saying something that will cause her to become upset with me, I hold my tongue, my lips in a flat line as I walk out of the room. Maybe Dr. James will be able to help me sort through some of the shit in my head. There are so many things going on inside of it and all my face and voice can do is show utter annoyance. I don't know what or who I'm annoyed with exactly, but since she's the only one here, it's being directed at Alice. I hate myself for it but I don't know how to stop.

Alice joins me downstairs already dressed for work, her skirt hugging her hips, and usually it would have turned me on just to see her like this, but I force myself to look away from her and down at my food. "I'm going to go a little early. I see you need some space."

"I don't." I do.

"Hayden, I know you better than that. As I was getting dressed, I thought about it, and I realized I asked too much of you yesterday and for that I apologize, though it was amazing, I should have known better than to force you to do something you've tried for years to stop doing. I thought it would please you to be able to do that but I see now that it didn't. So I'm sorry."

Is that why I'm feeling this way? I relapsed last night, and now I'm going through the feeling of disappointment, regret, and utter shame? As simple as that answer may be, I know there's something else to this, I'm just not sure exactly what it is yet.

"It isn't your fault Alice, it's mine." She isn't the one that put my hand around her throat, or the one who rolled her onto her backside so I didn't have to see her face as I pounced into her. "There's no need for you to apologize."