Abstinence

Chapter 12.

- Hayden's Point Of View -

With everything that has been going on in my current life what's getting to me the most is Wesley and Alice. I don't care about the charges, the accusations, the trial, jail, Lina, or anything else in between. It wasn't always this way, I used to put myself before everyone else because I was the only one that matttered. But right now my mind can't even begin to think about myself when everyone else's life around me is slowly ravaging before my eyes.

I have been putting Alice through a lot; not only emotionally but mentally. All of my baggage has become her baggage and soon or later it's going to become too much for her to carry until her only option left is to drop all of my shit and walk away for good to find herself a well-deserved "better". She will find another Jake, because in the end the nice guys always win and the bad guys are almost always a temporary fix.

One thing I did notice though, is that she hasn't been nagging me for answers about Lina and the case. She asks about it but I don't think she wants a true answer, she needs the reassurance that I didn't do it. She's afraid that there's a possibility that I actually raped Lina.

I wonder what she would think if I told her that I did fuck Lina in our house while she was out with her mother. Would she believe me? Would she walk out on me? Or would she stay, because she can look past it, the way I did with her and Jake?

I was able to put her and Jake behind me because I didn't want to let her go yet. Even though I felt like a cuckold, I was still able to forgive her because even then–when I still wanted to deny it–I loved her too much to lose her. But would she love me enough to forgive me if I fucked someone else?

The only person that has never left me or walked out on me was Lina and as I've stated plenty of times before, she isn't what I want. I want Alice and only Alice. Unfortunately at this stage that I've reached, my mind and my body aren't in agreement with one another. My mind wants her but my body wants sex from any and everywhere.

There is a heavy weight on my shoulders because of what I've done to her. My heart tugs at my chest and I feel guilty whenever I look at her. I lied to her face when she has only been honest with me. She is an open book but I can't seem to let her in on a small excerpt of my book. I've told her a lot about me; things that only Dr. James, Wes, and close acquaintances would know, but is it enough for her?

I am finding it difficult to tell her what I want or need without feeling that she will leave me the way everyone else had. Olivia thinks she didn't leave me after what I did to her, but she did. She flew to the other side of the globe and never came back. She left everything and everyone because of what I did to her. Heather too, my trusted mother and friend. And sooner or later Alice will follow right behind them. When I tell her what I did and I tell her that I lied to her she will walk away from me for good.

The selfish and self-centered side of me isn't ready for her to go, so I will keep my secret to myself for as long as I can. I will continue to love her and make love to her until I no longer can, while managing the advice I get from Dr. James and Wesley.

Wesley . . . my fucking Wes, has been kidnapped and it may be my fault. I don't understand how yet, but I have this gut-wrenching feeling that this is all happening because of me. I am the reason my only little bother has been kidnapped.

I don't know where he is or how I will find him but I refuse to leave this shitty town until he's safe and then I will try to convince him to come to the U.S. with me. If I get arrested again I want him to stay in his apartment with Alice.  I don't want to leave her alone again because this time there will be no bail, I will have to rot in jail for two months until my scheduled court date.