Abstinence

Chapter 44.

- Hayden's point of view -

Dried blood stains my hands, as I drive through the dark streets of Seattle passing by bars and clubs and pubs. I could stop and get drunk the way I want to but instead, I find myself in search of something far more important than wishing to forget what I've seen. I need to come clean. I need to tell someone this is my fault. I need to tell someone the blood on my hands is a product of my own doing. I find myself parking in front of Dr. James house. It's late but not late enough for him to be asleep.

Something in me is telling me to go back to Alice to bear my soul to the woman I've just asked to marry me, but I can't. I need to speak with Dr. James first, he has to know.

My knocks on the front door an unsteady cacophonous sound, undoubtedly frightening to anyone inside. He hesitantly opens the door for me, "Hayden, what are you doing here at this hour?" Taking in my bewildered expression he ushers me inside. Upon further notice, his eyes widen as he sees my wet clothes and stained hands, "What happened?"

"It was my fault, Dr. James."

"What was your fault?"

"Lina committed suicide." My response is blunt.

"How is that your fault, Hayden?"

"She killed herself because of me because I used her and I felt nothing for her. She doesn't want me with Alice, she wanted me for herself—"

He puts his hands up to stop me from speaking, "Let me just stop you right there. Lina committing suicide is absolutely not your fault and to put that blame on yourself is unfair to you. She did this because she is mentally unstable. Hayden, she was diagnosed with bipolar one has an obsessive love disorder. She refused to take medication because she didn't believe anything was wrong with her and she was just a woman in love with a man who wouldn't allow himself to love her back."

"How do you know all of this?" And how long have you known this? I want to ask but I know he'd never tell me.

"Dr. Horgan is her psychotherapist, we at the office talk amongst each other about our patient's treatment. We offer each other advice and the like, it's procedure."

"Alice knew this information and didn't tell me?" I know there are rules but surely Alice would have told me.

"Alice doesn't know. It's too close to her life I decided to keep her out of the conversation."  I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until I release a large breath of relief. "I shouldn't even be telling you this information but I feel it's the only way to prove to you that you aren't at fault."

After already convincing myself that her life is gone because of me, I now have to repeat a different mantra in my mind. You are not at fault. She was mentally ill. You didn't do this.

"Whatever she wrote to you in that letter was her telling you why she felt she had to do this. I'm sure it was somewhere along the lines of she couldn't live without you or she couldn't live seeing you in love with Alice and not her. Am I right?"

I only nod in response.

"You being in love with Alice is not a horrific act and if she made you feel guilty for being happy then you need to change your frame of mind. Your heart is so sensitive to love you cannot open it up to just anyone and that is how you've grown to protect yourself from getting hurt the way you did as an adolescent. You love Alice, don't ruin that by feeling guilty for loving someone that isn't Lina."

I knew I did the right thing by coming here instead of going out to drink or even going back home. No one else can tell me what's going on in my own mind before I can even think of it besides Dr. James. If it weren't for him, I don't know where I'd be.