Abstinence

Chapter 33.

He sits across from me, his massive hands overbearing my small sweaty hands. I've spent the entire car ride here wondering how I'm going to break up with him when that's the last thing I ever want to do. I thought if I don't sit and just say it then walk away the band-aid will be ripped off and I won't have to deal with the scar left behind. I also thought that had to be one of the worst things I could ever do to someone I love.

Then I thought I'd ease him into it and just tell him I don't think we can continue to make us work. I've been feeling overwhelmed with everything that's happened and I need a break from us. I need a fresh start in a whole new city. Then I realized that excuse would never work for moving away from Seattle.

And then I remembered the book. And I remembered Lina saying Hayden slept with her before he was arrested. If that's true he lied to my face and that would make it a lot easier to do all of this.

"Hey, baby, what's wrong?" His voice is soft, his thumb brushing against my cheek. My eyes close reveling in his touch for what could be the last time. Mr. Hot-and-Cold is being his sweetest right now, and that makes me wonder how Lina ever convinced me to go through with this plan. "You're in your head and judging by your eyes, I can tell it isn't good."

"Lina came to the apartment last night." His previous thumb stoking has stopped at the mention of Lina's name.

"Are you okay? Did she harm you?"

"No, Hayden, I'm fine." I sigh, opening my eyes to finally meet his worried eyes. He's searching my face for any answer as to what I'm feeling right now. But he won't find one, my feelings are all fucked up.

"Then what happened, what did she say to you?"

"Did you fuck her Hayden? Before you were arrested?"

His hand drops from my face the same time he hangs his head low. And there's my answer. For some reason his lack of answering hurts more than if he were to say the words.

"I swear to you Alice I didn't do it for my own pleasure. I don't want to hurt you."

"Hayden. Why would you do this? As payback?" I suck in a sharp breath, my tears brimming my waterlines threatening to drop at any given moment. Knowing that Lina told me the truth and Hayden didn't is a large, painful pill to swallow.

"What?" He's appalled by my accusation. "Never baby, I did it for us."

"For us?" My brows furrow in confusion, a single tears escaping from the duct of my eye falling onto his hand. My chin trembles as I try to force my tears back. This is how hard it must have been when the shoe was on the other foot. A while ago it was me in that situation, except the circumstances were different. How much of a hypocrite would I be if I walked away for something I once did to him?

"She told me if I had sex with her one last time she would drop all of the charges and so I did it. I did it so that I could come home to you Alice. I did it and from that moment I've been living with regret wishing I hadn't. I felt that I belonged in here because I did that to you. I'm sorry baby, you have to believe me."

"Why didn't you just tell me Hayden?" I place my hands over my face to hide my tears from him and the other people in the room watching us.

"Because I love you and I didn't want to see you like this. It pains me to see you cry Alice." His hands are on either side of my head in my hair, if he had it his way his lips would be on mine or somewhere on my face attempting to make me feel better. He knows his lips can heal anything for me.

"I just want you to be honest with me Hayden, that's all I ask." I mask my hurt for a moment while we're in public. I know what he did with Lina was wrong but like I said the circumstances were much different. I fucked Jake to spite Hayden, I used Jake because of his feelings for me and Hayden's jealousy towards him. Hayden fucked Lina to get out of this trouble that he's in, not to hurt me the way I did him.