Abstinence

Chapter 34.

Unlike most people, waking up in the morning to have to go to work is a ghastly and dreadful task but there was a smile on my face all morning. This is what I've been looking forward to for the past week. I craved to be back in the office working and not sat on the sofa or in the bed sulking because I miss Hayden or because my leg is in pain. This is what I need, working is the best therapy for me not staying at home.

Maybe staying at home wouldn't have been so hard if Hayden were there with me. Even as I was surrounded by Erika, Luke, and Mrs. Sutter I felt so alone. When I was upstairs in the bedroom, I was alone in tears with nothing but a pillow to hold onto.

Hayden has been gone for two weeks and I was beginning to lose his scent on everything. The linens and his clothing in the closet smelt of fabric softener and detergent. I've tried spraying his cologne on one of his t-shirts that I was wearing but even that didn't work. It didn't have Hayden's scent. There are no words to correctly explain how much I miss him.

I've gotten over that fact that he had sex with Lina, I was able to move on from the fact that he has a book on every person and date he's ever had sex. It's still a little odd but I moved on. I just want to make it through my first day back with a good clear head on my shoulders.

Jessica's face is the first one I see when the elevator door opens on our floor. Her mouth falls agape when she sees me smiling as I make my way towards her desk. "There was talk that you were coming back, but I never expected it to be true, Alice, how are you?"

"I'm much better now that I'm back. How are you?" We haven't seen each other since she left with Jake at the hospital on the day of the incident.

"I have my good days and bad days. It's great to be surrounded by people that know how to help you sort out your problems. Dr. Reece, Dr. Horgan, and Dr. James have been great."

As if on cue Dr. Reece and Dr. James turn around the hallway immersed in conversation holding two different cups of coffee. Dr. James notices me first, a large smile etching onto his face, followed by Dr. Reece. Dr. James speaks first, "Miss Greene, it's nice to see your face again."

"I could honestly say the same to everyone else here. I feel like it's been forever."

"It's only been a week Miss Greene, if I had it my way you wouldn't be coming back for another two weeks."

"I have to agree with William on this one." Dr. Reece replies but quickly adds, "But it's nice to have you back here in good health."

"Thank you and I promise I'm fine."

"How's Hayden?" This is coming from Dr. James.

"Doing better, I believe." I haven't gone back to see him since he confirmed what happened between him and Lina. We talk briefly on the phone but our conversations are light and fun.

I've fallen into this habit of pretending. It's not something I'm proud of, it's it helps me get through the days. I pretend that I'm not in pain—mental pain, physical pain, emotional pain. I pretend that I'm okay. I pretend to care. I've gotten so used to doing it I can no longer differentiate between my true feelings and my faux feelings. I don't know if I'm genuinely happy or just trying to be for the sake of everyone else. It's getting more difficult to tell as the days go on.

Last night as I laid in bed I asked myself the question Hayden had continuously asked me, why am I staying? I know I love him, that's not something I ever struggle with believing. My love for him is genuine and sincere. I don't love him out of manipulation or control or out of pity. He opened himself up to me and I fell in love with him for everything that he was, everything that he wasn't, and everything that he aspired to be. And I don't doubt that Hayden loves me, my only fear for us is that Hayden can't commit himself to me wholly. He's an addict, the only things he can commit to are sex and his needs.