Abstinence

Chapter 45.

"I'm seeing the pain seeing the pleasure, nobody but you, 'body but me, 'body but us, bodies together..."

(Zayn - Pillowtalk)

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I hear soft whimpering in my sleep causing me to jolt awake. I'm wet and sticky with sweat, but it isn't my sweat. I sit up on the bed and look over at Hayden who was still fast asleep beside me. The noise is coming from him. I can see tears strolling down his cheeks but his eyes are still closed. He's sleep crying. Whatever he's dreaming about is causing him to cry. Unsure if I should wake him or not I just stare at him.

I don't think this dream is about me this time. For some reason, Hayden's unconscious mind takes everything that hurts or haunts him and turns it into a nightmare that he can't wake up from until he's drenched in sweat with fear and now crying out of sadness. I don't know the gruesome details of what happened in Lina's bathroom, but I can see how physically and emotionally fucked up Hayden is from it. He doesn't want to talk about it but his mind is thinking about it all hours of his day. He lost someone he cared about, I know he isn't okay.

My hand comes up to his face wiping away his tears. I notice him stir but he doesn't wake. "Hayden?"

His eyes fly open at the sound of my voice and without looking at me, he sits up looking at both side of his hands numerous times. He looks like he's having a breakdown. I stop his hands with my own holding onto them, "There's nothing on them." I try to reassure him.

"I killed her." His wide petrified eyes are on me, new tears filling the brim of his eyes as he says this. I don't think he's fully awake yet. "Her blood is on my hands."

I hate seeing him like this.

"This is not your fault." I try to tell him but he can't hear me as he isn't in a lucid state yet. He's still dreaming even though he's looking right at me, talking to me.

I let go of his hands cupping either side of his face instead, "Baby, wake up." I call shaking his head gently.

He blinks a couple of times before me, his eyes showing off how scared and confused he is. "Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.

He shakes his head 'no' and I don't try to force any information from him. Not now, not about this. He catches me off guard when he moves me on top of him. Confusion is apparent in my tone as I ask, "Now?"

"Please," His one worded response a plea to distract him from what's going on in his head.

Without hesitation I slide his pants down a little taking his member into my hand, gently gliding up and down wanting him to get harder before I have him inside of me. I don't want to do this with him in this state, but if it's what he needs, I will do whatever I can for him.

Straddling his lap I guide his hardened member inside of me, his head falls into the crook of my neck, neither one of us uttering a word to one another. His hands held my waist tightly as I rock against him, and that's all he does.

I can feel his tears falling onto my collar bone but there is no sound coming from him. My heart hurts for him but I continue to slide up and down on his length, consoling him the only way he'll allow me to.  My hands wrap around him moving us impossibly closer together and I leave kisses in his hair as it's the only part of him I have access to.