Abstinence

Chapter 40.

Simply put, Santorini is beautiful. The moment we stepped off of the jet the fresh air and cool breeze was everything I didn't know I needed. Sure the jet was comfortable but I can't wait to be in a bed. Preferably naked on top of Hayden.

The sun is setting over the ocean, which we can see from a window in our hotel room at the Canaves Oia Hotel. The most beautiful pastel colors are overtaking the sky, hues of baby blue and purple and pink. I would wake Hayden so he could see but with all the drinking he did on the plane and the lack of sleep he gets on a daily basis, he could use the rest. I slept long enough on the jet that I'm wide awake at 5 in the morning.

Instead of lying in the bed, unable to sleep, I empty both mine and Hayden's suitcase, hanging and folding our clothes storing them in the cupboard and closet. I've tried to avoid thinking but with the quiet sound of the waves hitting the shore a few feet away from us and Hayden's snoring, it's all I can do.

I am once again confused about us and where we stand in our relationship. It's the worst thing to have to question. It shouldn't be this hard should it? I shouldn't have to question us at all. I know he loves me that's not something I ever have to question but still to this day, he doesn't trust me with his feeling or thoughts or even with sex. How can you love a person without trust? How could you want to marry someone you don't trust? It doesn't make sense to me.

I stand against the wall staring at him while he's lying on his stomach, his head resting on his arm. It actually frightens me how much I trust him. I trust Hayden with my life yet I'm barely touching the surface of his trust.

Though I said I wouldn't wake him my feet carried me over to him and I clamber on top of him, sitting on his back with my legs on either side of him. "Baby, are you awake?"

He intakes a sharp breath but doesn't open his eyes, "I am now."

"I'm sorry I didn't want to wake you."

"Sitting on me and asking me if I'm awake is your way of not wanting to wake me?" He chuckles after he says this and I can't help but laugh with him. I lift myself off of him so he can turn over on his back and set myself on top of his thighs. "What's wrong?"

"I trust you Hayden."

"Fuck me Alice, it's too early in the morning."

"You want me to fuck you?" I couldn't even try to hide the excitement in my tone, though I know that wasn't what he intended for me to infer from it.

"You know damn well that isn't what I meant. What the fuck has gotten into you? Do I have to be callous with you in order for you to understand I don't want you this way?"

"No." My former jubilation is gone. "I just don't know why. Is it me?"

He places his arm over his eyes and sighs, obviously already exhausted with this conversation. "We had this conversation once before and it has absolutely nothing to do with you at all."

"If it has nothing to do with me then why are you punishing me?"

"Punishing you?" He attempts to sit up but can't with me on top of him. If he wanted to he could just lift me off of him. He's strong enough to do it. "I can't have this conversation with you on top of me this way."

"Why because you feel like I'm going to control you?" Though I know this isn't a joking matter for him, I tease him.

"Get up Alice."

"Fine," I huff moving to the other side of the bed. "You can go back to sleep."

"After you just tried to rape me?"

"I don't think you should be making jokes of raping people when you actually fucked me while I was asleep and just finished facing rape charges." He can sense the slight bitterness in my tone.