135 (Capital Steez)

22• You've Got To Be Curious

• September 18, Tuesday •
• 1:03 a.m •

We found a hotel in Philadelphia and settled down. Steez and I were both anxious and we could see that. I just got out the shower and put on my sleepwear.

"Hey imma go down to the kitchen and find something to eat. If I take long I went out to get something."

"Can I go with you?" I begged

"No, I want you to stay here. Not a good idea letting you outside, especially around this time.

I chewed my tongue and huffed. "Fine ok. I'm going to sleep."

"You really wanna go to sleep?" He made a face.

"Yeah. I can't sleep?"

"You can but-never mind. I'll see you in the morning beautiful. Good night."

"Goodnight." I pulled the blankets over me and started thinking again.

   I kind of miss Alexandria. I miss school. We plan on getting into a school around here and graduating. What do I look like running away from home and not graduating?
What I'm really worried about is my brother and Dad. I know they're heartbroken but I had to. I hope they know they're going to see me again. I should've put that in the note. Did I? I don't remember.
I should've done a lot of things. I hate when this happens. I think about one bad thing then a wave of emotions and negativity comes over me. Everything unfortunate in my life comes up and I hate it.
Silence has its pros and cons. I don't know if that makes sense. Pros, you can focus and actually get shit done. Cons, you can't stop thinking, you might think positively but soon it turns into negativity and you can't do anything about it but try to fall asleep or distract yourself.
There's a lot of stuff I think about that I don't know how to explain. I'm not good at explaining myself and it feels weird when I do so I refrain from it. I've never had anyone to talk to like that. Dad was too busy, brother is away, and Raymond's too judgmental. I don't take judgement well. I wish I did but I can't.
I didn't get praised in school like other girls did. I was usually told "You're not ugly but you're not cute." that's not a complement. How are you going to give me a compliment then insult me? What is your purpose?! It really bothered me and to finally get away from that, it's heaven. So never mind when I said I missed Alexandria. Fuck all the people that weren't there for me, fuck all em.
   After my rant I fell asleep. A deep sleep, I haven't slept like this in a while. Years. Last time I slept like this everything was fine. I actually had friends and my brother was around to give me advice. Now I spend my days alone. I have Steez now but I still feel that gap. He's helped me a lot but I'm not fully healed.
   I miss happiness-here I go again. I'm thinking in my dreams. I don't even know if I'm asleep. Am I? What if what I think is reality is actual just a nightmare with glimpses of a dream and one of my dreams is reality?