Louise [Larry Stylinson AU]

Chapter 30

Louis' P.O.V. –

I snuggled deeper into the covers and cried quietly. I didn't want my mum to know. I don't know for how long I've been crying but I don't care. All I care about right now is what just happened.

You're a boy, isn't it Louis? And that means you're...gay. That makes you even more disgusting. Harry's words echoed in my head.

He called me 'Louis' which means that he already knew the truth. Then why did he want me to go to his house to study? He told me we were going to study but this was what he did. It seemed to be a part of a plan. He already knew it but he wanted to humiliate me. But my plan was worse, isn't it?

I saw tears in his eyes. I was the reason of his tears. I hurt him. I had seen a mixture of hurt, disgust and love in his eyes. The love was meant for 'Louise', not me, isn't it? The disgust was directed towards me. He knows I'm a boy. He knows I'm gay. And he thinks I'm...disgusting. This made me cry harder and I gripped the sheets tightly in my hands. My tree considers me disgusting. The tree might no longer be mine...

I had pushed him away. It was clear that he had found out the truth. I had wanted to run away and hide but he grabbed my wrists. I pulled away the covers slightly and extended my arm to look at my wrist. There was a red mark and dried blood on it. I recalled the way he had gripped me so tightly. He wanted to pull the wig off. I was more than embarrassed. I couldn't let that happen. That was when I pushed him away harshly.

It was a hard decision to take. I had to decide whether I should beg him not to leave me all alone or just run away from everything. I chose to run away. I was scared. I was scared he would say something that I never wanted to hear. I was scared he would hit me like the boys in my previous school who hit me when they found out I was gay. I never wanted to relive those moments. They were horrible. I hated my past. And I just ruined my present and the future...

I ran away. I ran until I reached my house. I didn't want to see the 'hate' for me in his eyes. I had always seen love for me in his eyes till now. It was something that I never received before. He made me feel loved. But here I was, into the same depths where I had fallen when I was bullied.

My plan failed. It was a failure. An utter failure. Niall was correct. But I never paid heed to his warnings. Do I regret anything? No. Consider me stupid or consider me insane but I don't regret my plan. Of course I feel bad for making Harry cry but my plan made me find true love. Harry told me he loves me and that became possible due to my plan. Would he ever love me if I asked him out as a boy? No, he would never do it. He was straight. He would not even look at me.

I've always been surrounded by homophobic people. Niall and my mum were among the few people who accepted me as gay. But Harry...it hurt to know that he was homophobic. He would never love me for who I am. He loved 'Louise' and that became possible due to what I did. And now he probably hated me. But I had the best time of my life while I was with Harry. And it was possible due to my plan. I don't regret saving some sweet memories in my mind. It was the time when I wasn't judged for who I am.

No one had called me a 'fag' while I was pretending to be a girl. The word hurt a lot even if I didn't confess it when Zayn said it. No one had punched me and called me a 'waste of space' for so long. No one had beaten me up for being gay. No one – I mean I don't regret being happy during these months. I don't regret my plan.

"Lou, are you okay? You've been in your room for so long." My mum's voice interrupted my thoughts and I quickly wiped away my tears and suppressed a sob. I got out of the covers and sat up on the bed.

"I'm o-okay." I said in a broken voice. I hope my mum didn't notice the way my voice cracked.

"You don't sound okay. Open the door right now." Mum said and I saw the door knob being twisted. I sighed in defeat and walked towards the door and unlocked it. The door opened and revealed my mum with a worried expression and a frown. Her frown deepened when she looked at me.

"Oh honey, why are you crying?" She said in a worried tone.

She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

"What's the matter Lou?" She asked softly. I snuggled close and melted in her arms. She loved me. My mum still loved me. But she didn't know the number of times I had lied to her. She will eventually find out. Would she comfort me at that time? No, she wouldn't. I hugged her tightly, not wanting to let her go. She would be hurt but I don't want to hurt her.

She moved her hands on my back, trying to comfort me.

"Whatever is the matter, it'll be okay. Stop crying Lou." She said in my ear. Was it going to be okay? I don't think it's going to be okay. I can't live without my boyfriend. Wait, is he still my boyfriend? He didn't say that he was breaking up with me. It may be foolish to think that we're still together but the necklace on my neck made me hopeful. I'm so stupid but he didn't say he was breaking up with me. I'm confused.

Mum pulled away from the hug and caressed my cheek. Harry did the same before he... I held back my tears and managed to speak, "I w-want t-to be alone."

"But –"

"Please." I said.

She nodded and left the room with the same worried look. I shut the door and locked it. I rushed into the covers and burst into tears. I never knew this would happen when Harry would find out the truth.

I cried till I fell asleep.

Or maybe I never fell asleep that night...