The corpse of the past

Chapter 11: Stupid

Chapter 11

-Peeta-

She kissed me. Katniss actually kissed me. I gotta admit that I got pretty disappointed when she pulled away from me and ended the kiss. And yes, the kiss was a day ago, but I still can't get it out of my mind. It was so sweet and tender, but also something that made me want more and more. And no. I'm not a girl. I'm just a guy who is endlessly in love with a girl. And for the record, she kissed me! I didn't kiss her. She. Kissed. Me.

That doesn't mean anything though. She said herself that she didn't want anything. She just wanted one kiss and that's all. I think I need to settle with that, and just hope that one day in the future, she will give us a chance.

We're on the train on our way to District 4. Annie is going to move to District 12, but she still need to get stuff. Effie is also with us, she's going to be the chef of the rebuilding of the bakery, her and Haymitch, I figured I could maybe start it up again, try to anyway. I don't know if people would like my bread. Or my cheese buns and cakes used to sell pretty good when my father was running the bakery, but he was a good business man, and he was the nicest person alive. I really miss him. I miss my brothers too of course, and my mother... No, no I can't say that I miss her at all. I know that it sounds a bit harsh, but after everything she put me through, I don't think anyone would blame me for not missing her.

"Hey what's wrong?"

I get snapped back to reality at the sound of an angel.

I look up. Katniss. I was right about the angel part. She really do look like an angel. She has an orange fluttering summer dress. The fabric seems so thin and light that it might blow away with the wind if it wasn't on Katniss body already. I know that Effie has made her wear it though. And I'm not surprised, I mean I'm sure that it's going to be cameras at the station when we arrive at the station in District 4.

I roll my eyes at the thought of all the cameras and reporters that are going to try to interview us. I really don't like them. They're just annoying. Can't they just let me and Katniss have a normal life ... Or, at least try to have a normal life?

Katniss frowns.

Oh no. I understand how that must have seemed like to Katniss. She asks me what's wrong and I just roll my eyes.

"Oh no, no I wasn't rolling my eyes at you Katniss", I say. "No I was just thinking about the cameras that probably are going to be at the station, and that's why you have that beautiful summer dress".

Katniss laughs. Oh how I love to hear her laugh.

"Yeah, I know, I tried to dress in a t-shirt and jeans, but it looked like Effie was going to faint or something, so I even let her do my makeup. I know that my assistants usually does that, but Effie really seemed like she wanted to", Katniss says. "And I feel a bit bad about how bad I acted towards her after turning my hair blue, but because my assistants could fix it, a bit at least, I feel kinda bad about being so hard on her".

Now it's my turn to laugh. Katniss really do care about Effie, even though I know that she won't admit it. Not yet at least.

"But are you going to tell me what's wrong?" She asks.

"Oh. It's nothing important", I say. "I was just thinking about the bakery and ... My dad". Katniss looks alarmed. "Oh no, that's not a bad thing, I miss him of course, but I always will", I say fast. "It's just like you with ... Her".

I was about to say Prim. But Katniss can't hear her name without breaking down. Haymitch told me that. So I won't say it, until she's ready to hear it.

"Yeah, I guess, it's just ..." Katniss doesn't seem to know what to say, and I know exactly what she's thinking off and suddenly feel ashamed.

"Don't listen to me when I have my flashbacks Katniss", I say seriously with shame in my voice. "Don't, I don't mean anything I'm saying when I have them. I know you didn't kill my family, or anyone, it was my own fault".

Katniss eyes widen.

"Wait what? You where captured, how was it your fault?" Katniss asks, in a slight scared voice.

"No I know, I just mean that if I had died in our first Game, like I was suppose to, you would've won and everything that happened wouldn't have happened", I say.

Katniss stands up. She looks angry now.

"Peeta how can you say that?!" She shouts and I stand up as well.

I shouldn't have said that. Oh how could I be so stupid? I just didn't know that she would be this angry.

"I'm sorry", I say ashamed.

"Oh you're sorry? Well that can't take away your words right?!" She shouts and tears starts to flow down her eyes.

Oh no! I made Katniss cry. Oh no.

"Oh no, Katniss, I'm so, so sorry", I say. "I didn't know you would care that much".

"You didn't think that I would care that much?! Well if I didn't care for you, why would I even bring up the berries in the first place?!" She shouts at me. Well, on some levels, she has a big fat point there. "God you're so stupid Peeta!"

She tries to hit me but I take a hold of her wrist, stoping the punch. She tries to get away from my grip but I won't let go of her wrist. Instead I pull her close to me and embraces her in a big warm hug, trying to calm her down.

Is this how she gets when someone mentions Prim? But why is Katniss behaving like this now? I mean do I really mean that much to her? And if I do, I really had no idea. Oh poor Katniss, she hasn't had it easy, and here I go ahead and cause her even more pain. I really don't think through before opening my mouth sometimes.

Katniss continues to resisting and trying to get away from me, but I'm too strong for her and eventually she calms down and instead throws her arms around my neck and hugs me back.

"You're so stupid Peeta..." She sobs and I couldn't agree more.

"I know", I whisper, as I kiss her head. "I know I am, and I'm sorry for that".

"You're so stupid..." She continues to mumble.

I just stroke her head, feeling her soft hair under my fingers.

I love her so much. I do. And it kills me that she doesn't love me. She already knows that I love her. Or at least I think she does, I hope she doesn't think that I don't love her anymore, I mean I didn't during the hijacking, but I got through it, and I do love her, so, so much.

Now Katniss starts to mumble something to herself, so low that I can't hear what she says.

"What?" I ask.

"What? Oh nothing", she says and buries her face deeper into my shirt.

I think I need to get another shirt, and Effie will be mad at Katniss because of her makeup. But if Effie is shouting at Katniss, I'm going to put my foot down for real against Effie once and for all. She can't be mad at Katniss for crying.

"Katniss, it's something", I insists.

She drags her head up to look at me.

"No really Peeta, it's nothing", she says.

I look her in the eyes. Slowly leaning in, wanting to kiss her lips. And I'm gonna. She can be mad at me all she wants, but I need to kiss her.

When my lips are brushing against hers, I hear a scream.

"Katniss Everedeen! What have you done to the makeup!"

Effie. Of course. Oh she really had to ruin this moment. She saw that we were about to kiss and she still interrupted us. Okay, now I'm officially annoyed at her ... for real.

Effie drags Katniss away from me and pulls her towards Katniss compartment, leaving me standing here by myself, dreaming about Katniss red and soft lips. And the feeling of having them onto mine. Kissing them. But maybe I shouldn't. She doesn't even love me.

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