The corpse of the past

Chapter 13: What is real?

Chapter 13

-Peeta-

Katniss insisted on helping me in my house. I told her to go home and get some rest, but she simply refused.

"If I can be somewhere, believe me, my house isn't my first choice", Katniss says bitterly as she folds my shirts and puts them back in the drawer.

"Why?" I ask.

"Too many bad memories", she says and shakes lightly. Prim. That's her bad memories. And that's why she doesn't want to be in her house. "But I don't have a choice, you heard from Doctor Aurelius that I refused to answer the phone when he called", she says. "They thought that I would kill myself, so they almost forced me to stay in the house, until Doctor Aurelius said I'm fine".

Oh poor Katniss. I wish I could do something to make her feel better. But I really don't know how. She shows herself tough, but she's fragile. I mean, she's only human.

I open the bathroom door and puts up towels on the shelfs.

I pick up a mini mirror I'm going to have on the sink.

I glance at Katniss in the little mirror, as she sits on my bed and folds my shirts. I smile.

My dream would be to live with Katniss, have her with me all the time, kiss her lips whenever I want and tell her how much I love her. But I can't. She doesn't like me that way. And it hurts. It truly does. But I want her to make the right decisions for herself.

On the second arena I thought she wanted something different though. At the beach when we kissed. I really thought she loved me. But... Was that also an act for the cameras? It didn't seem that way, it really didn't. And when she told me that she needs me, that didn't seem like an act either, but only the thought of the fact that it maybe was an act, hurts more than anything.

She's just a mutt...

Oh no.

I feel the flashback. It wants to take over my body.

Nothing but a dumb mutt... She wants to kill me... That's all she wants... She's dangerous...

NO! No! Not when I'm with Katniss. And particularly not when I'm alone with Katniss. Please. No!

I quickly close the door with a big slam.

"Peeta?" I hear Katniss call.

Nothing but a disgusting mutt...

I hear how she runs up to the door.

"Peeta?"

Don't believe anything she says... She's a stupid mutt... She's trying to kill you... Protect yourself...!

I break the mirror with my hands and I feel the sharp edges bury inside my hands. Blood starts to flow out of my hands and drop down on the floor.

I whimper in pain.

Something in my head starts to flicker even more. But I won't give up. I don't want to give in for the flashback. I don't want to hurt Katniss.

KILL HER... That's the only way...

"Peeta?!" Katniss shouts, now sounding a bit panicking. She must have heard the broken mirror pieces fall to the ground.

My head is messed up. I can't figure out what's true and not true. GOD SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND!

Katniss?

No she's trying to fool you, don't believe her...! Kill her... You need to protect yourself and kill her... Now! Kill her now!

I walk up to the wall and bang my head hard in it. What the hell am I doing this for? It's to keep Katniss safe. I bang even harder and hear a crack sound.

Someone breaks the door open and I see Haymitch and Katniss run inside the bathroom.

"Peeta! No!" Katniss screams as I fall to the floor.

Katniss?

The last thing I see is Katniss running up to me, hearing her scream my name, before I black out.

***

"Peeta, please..."

I hear someone cry. Katniss. But I don't open my eyes. Where am I? The last thing I remember, is banging my head into the wall. Really hard. It hurts like crazy, but I think I did that to not hurt Katniss. Causing myself pain can make me resist the flashbacks sometimes, but this was maybe not the best option.

"He'll be alright Katniss, the doctor said so himself", I hear Haymitch voice say.

"But what if he won't?" Katniss asks, sounding really desperate. Why? "I don't understand why he would bang his head in the wall like that, he got a crack in his skull".

Wait what? Oh god, how the hell did I manage that?!

"Why would he do that? After what we said on the train, I thought that I had made it clear that I didn't want him to leave me!" She continues. "So why would he try to?"

She thinks I tried to kill myself? What? No. I would never ever leave her. Never.

"He didn't try to kill himself Katniss", Haymitch says. "He tried to resist a flashback, he didn't want to hurt you, he probably did that because you two were alone".

I did.

I feel a soft and gentle hand on my cheek.

"Peeta. Peeta please, wake up, you can't leave me", Katniss says. "I'm sorry".

No!

"No Katniss", I say, I open my eyes and  is met by a pair of big beautiful gray once.

"Peeta?" She says as if she doesn't believe her eyes.

I cup my hand on her cheek.

"Don't say you're sorry, you didn't even do anything", I say.

She puts a hand on my head that is still on her cheek.

"But I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this", she says. "It's not fair. You don't deserve this, you really don't. You deserve so much better, because you're so good and pure and innocent".

"Katniss..." I start but she interrupts me.

"And you deserve someone who can make you happy for real", she says. "Not a broken girl".

"I'm broken Katniss", I say. "And I can't heal without you. You're everything and you know that".

"Why do you keep saying that Peeta?" She asks.

"Because it's true", I say.

"It can't be", she says, pulling away and runs out if the hospital room.

"No Katniss..." I shout, trying yo get out of the bed, but Haymitch holds me back.

"Let her get some space Peeta", Haymitch says. "She'll be back, I promise, just give her some time to think".

Why did I have to say that? Why couldn't I just shut up? Oh me and my big mouth.

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Hey you guys,

I hope you all liked this chapter :) a bit sad in it's own way, I know, but still what did you think about it?

Please vote and comment to tell me ;)

-Josephine xx