Rant Time 3

Holiday Season

Christmas is tomorrow and holy shit am I freaking out. It has been absolute nuts from beginning to end, nonstop Christmas shopping, listening to Mom bitch and moan about this and that and presents and ugh, wrapping gifts without break.
I haven't been able to enjoy the season because everything has been really hard for me. I'm weird. The more it grows closer to Christmas, the sadder I get because I haven't been able to take in the season and appreciate it and because I sink into a Christmas depression when it's over.
Everyone else is excited because they get candy and presents, and I'm over here feeling undeniably sad inside because the holidays are pretty much over and I wasn't able to sit back and love it like I usually do. There's nothing I can do now, Christmas is tomorrow and then it's gone, but I do regret that I wasn't up to doing everything.
It's been so crazy around here. I have my schoolwork to focus on, I'm trying to keep my grades up, my mom is stressing me out, and it's just been a really shitty year for me, so I'm very pessimistic about everything. I know I should be happy that Christmas is here and I get to open my gifts and spend time with family, but I have too much on my shoulders.
I haven't actually sat down and watched many Christmas shows or movies like I used to. I recorded several but have only watched a few. I guess I'm just really depressed about everything right now.
I did have fun though. It was fun shopping and gathering all the shit for my family members that are probably gonna be ungrateful anyway. And that's another thing I'm scared of. My mom bought my cousins tons of gifts. Most of them are very expensive, and I'm worried that they won't appreciate them in the way I know they should.
My mom isn't as she used to be. She's in so much pain literally almost all day everyday. She gets really stressed out and sometimes takes her anger out on me. She likes to yell and scream, and I just sit there and take it because there's nothing else I can do. I don't want her to get even worse because of them.
I've wrapped 80% of their gifts, and I'm shocked at how much the tags say. I'm supposed to scratch out the price before I wrap it, but I deliberately left it unmarked on a few, just so they can see that my mom gives a fucking shit. If it were me, I'd buy them some cheap ass knockoff cologne and a goddamn ugly sweater.
We went to the mall Wednesday night to grab some cologne for my uncle. Of course my mom has to walk around and smell each and every one there is before she settles on Boss ten fucking minutes later. I told her straight up that all the cologne smells like stale Bath & Bodyworks that's been sitting on my nightstand for the past three Christmases in a fucking row.
She also bought him some boots and something else that I can't remember. She bought his wife a watch, a sweater, and a jewelry box. She even bought nice gifts for some people that are coming who she doesn't even know that well, and who are ungrateful little cunts, too.
I'm really nervous about tomorrow night. For the past few months, I've been having sensory issues. My Misophonia is acting up really bad, and so is my Tinnitus. Loud noises that I can't control hurt my ears and make me extremely moody, and I'm scared I'm just gonna snap. On Thanksgiving, a little kid had a fit and my head started buzzing and I had to cover my ears. It's going to be really loud.
I'm starting to get overwhelmed easily by everything. It's this and that and here and there. Every time someone talks to me, it's like their voices are echoing in my head. I don't think I've ever been this nervous for Christmas. I'm just having a shit time and people never leave me alone on holidays. There's always tapping on my shoulders, people calling my name, and someone is always trying to talk to me. There's not a single moment of silence I get.
I love my family, I do (sometimes a little less), but they can be really demanding. Our tradition every Christmas Eve is to try to make it to midnight to open presents. Last year, we got as close as ever--11 pm. The kids are always up our asses with their carol of "Can we open presents now?! What about now?!" It's like a broken record all night long and it makes me wanna murder somebody.
I guess I'm kind of excited for it because I get to spend time with family and enjoy playing (yes, I said playing) with my new presents, but in a way, I'm very anxious.
I just wasn't in the mood this year. There's too much going on. I still have a ton of baking to do tonight and some cleanup because my house is really shitty and you can't walk anywhere without stepping on a dog toy or in a puddle of piss.
I have exactly 24 hours until family starts showing up. I'm starting to get really depressed about it and I don't know why. The holidays aren't what they used to be anymore. Everything feels weird and it's just too much for me to deal with right now.
My mom and I did our final bit of shopping just recently and I wrapped the final gift last night before I went to bed. It was a relief, but yet, I was also sad that it's pretty much over. It's bittersweet.
It's Christmas Eve eve and I don't think I could be sadder. I should stop moping around and get my ass up and baking now. I'm just feeling odd. I don't even know what to think or feel. Happy holidays.
"It's Christmas and we're all in misery."
--National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
-
Here are some photos I took from the holiday season:
My mom bought me A Christmas Story nightshirt.