Rant Time 3

How to be a Terrible Person

Want to learn how be a terrible person and get banned from family functions? Follow this helpful guide, and you'll be guaranteed to be thrown out of your family and hated by everyone you know!
How to be a Terrible Person by Sierra C.
Step One: Have a very crude, inappropriate, and offensive sense of humor.
Don't just be a sarcastic asshole. Have a punchline to all of your inappropriate jokes that would make an abortionist piss theirselves laughing! Be as rude and offensive as you can, and when people look at you like you just murdered an old person, you're starting it off right!
If you want to be offensive with crude humor, do one or, if you're brave enough, all of the following:
•Make abortion jokes. . .and praise it! Say something like, "Abortion! It brings out the kid in you!" and/or "Abortion is great! I love dead fetuses!"
•Laugh at all your inappropriate jokes and toilet humor like a maniac and watch everyone's faces twist in disgust. Laugh louder the more silent it gets.
•Encourage people to join along in your offensive humor. Tell them that talking about disgusting things is cool nowadays! If they follow along, you earn an STD and a dead fetus as a prize.
Step Two: When people talk to you, look them straight in the face with an evil stare.
The classic "I'm-going-to-murder-you" resting bitch face almost always works! I do it all the time! It repels people I hate and wish would disappear off the face of the earth, but since shooting people is illegal, this look will have to do.
If you do this more than enough, people should steer clear of you and avoid you like the terrible plague you are. And if it doesn't work on someone, well, they're just as awful and murderous as you. Reverse this step and try to become friends. Because everyone else hates you now.
Step Three: Talk about death and misery like you'd talk about the weather.
Normal people say average-day things like, "This weather sure is hot!" or "I wonder what it's like outside today."
But if you're reading this, you are not normal, you are very abnormal and sick and twisted and deserve to be thrown in an asylum.
So you say things like, "(Insert relative/friend here) died today. I'm so happy. Thank god she's finally gone! So, what are you up to today?"
Or, "I just found out that (insert relative/friend here) has a terminal illness. Oh well. I didn't like him/her anyway. So what do you wanna do today?"
I promise you, no one will want to look at you after you just brush off the news that someone you know has three days to live. To add some affect, do one or all of the following:
•Go to the funeral and tell everyone that the deceased was a lying, cheating whore/bastard.
•Tell the priest not to bless the deceased because they don't deserve it and they're going to hell anyway.
•Make up lies about the deceased and spread them around the funeral like the STD you're telling everyone they had at the time of their death because they were sleeping around.
If everyone avoids you, you are a terrible person and have completed this step. Continue on.
Step Four: Always pretend that you're sick or dying every time you're offered or asked to go somewhere or do something you don't want to.
Instead of being a blunt cunt and saying, "Fuck you, bitch, I don't wanna go," make up lies every single time, such as, "I've got the flu," "I have contagious diarrhea," or, "I think I'm gonna die. I have to stay inside."
After the tenth time or so, people will realize that you're an asshole and have been lying this entire time. I mean, let's be real, do you think a deadly tumor can appear and disappear that fast?
For full effect, do one or all of the following:
•Conjure up some fake vomit with oatmeal and crumbs of food you found in the trash. Add red food coloring to make it seem like you're throwing up blood. Then show it to the person asking you to go.
•Get a tissue, blow your nose into it, and then throw it on said person.
•Put some of that fake vomit in your mouth and then "vomit" all over said person.
Their disgusted screams are cue that you are safe and can go back inside and play on the computer like the sad lonely bastard you are.
Step Five: Constantly curse and say inappropriate things in front of people's children.
Face it, kids are annoying fucks. And the brattier the kid is, the worse the parents are. Where do you think they got it from? So do you wanna see those kid(s) and their parents just disappear without landing yourself in prison? Here's how!
For full effect, do all of the following.
•Constantly say "bad words" such as "fuck," "shit," and "cunt" in front of the kids.
•Talk about taboo subjects such as sex, violence, and abortion in front of the kids. And if you're very terrible, tell the parent you wish they aborted their kid(s).
•Scare the kids in any way possible until they cry. Collect their tears in a jar and drink them later in front of their parents.
And this last one is for the insane and I don't recommend you doing it unless you wanna go to jail:
•Convince the parents that you're a pedophile. However you do that is up to you.
Step Six: Be very schadenfreude, meaning, get joy out of other people's misery and/or misfortune.
This one pretty much explains itself.
No one likes to be miserable, and most people don't like seeing other people miserable. Unless you're me, who enjoys the latter. To complete this step, be a total asshole and unafraid of the karma that will bite you in the ass later.
Laugh when people are in pain and flaunt your fortune and everything good (or whatever your version of "good" is) in their face. Show them how miserable they are and make fun of them until they cry.
Congratulations, you've passed this step! Almost done!
Step Seven: Hate the world and everyone in it, and make sure everyone knows it too!
If you're like me, you say, "I hate" a lot. I hate this, I hate that. I hate everyone and everything! If you act like Scrooge or The Grinch all the time, and you're willing to literally steal Christmas away from a small town, this should be really easy!
However, if you're not terrible like me and you're reading this to be a terrible person, this step may take some time. You need to find a way to throw out every happy aspect of your life and become as equally terrible as the villain  in a storybook.
Note: having a mood disorder or depression can help you with this.
Do one or all of the following to complete this step. Results may vary:
•Become very pessimistic and find anything and everything wrong about a situation or person, and voice it every chance you get.
•Start saying "I hate" more often. After awhile, it will become your brain's default setting. Also insult things regularly.
•Constantly tell people you hate things and people, especially things and people they like. They won't want you around much longer.
If you complete this step properly, people are sure to avoid you because you're a pessimistic asshole and your negativity is very harmful and toxic to their butterfly personality. Congratulations.
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This guide is now complete. If you've completed each step properly, you are now are terrible person. People hate you and think you are toxic to humanity. Continue acting this way as to repel people. You may feel terrible, but guess what? You are terrible!
Once you have adapted to this lifestyle, keep going, and if you ever want to stop, you are a pussy and it's too late, because this guide rules your life now. Fuck you.
~
I'm so going to hell for that, but I thought it'd be funny. Like it is.
So this is my last chapter in 2016! Yay! I wanted to leave 2016 on a good note because it's been really shitty. This is just humor because after the shit I've ranted about in 2016, I want to leave it behind and end it on a positive note.
Goodbye 2016!
I'll be back January 1st, 2017 at midnight!
~
Sierra 🌙