Rant Time 3

Holiday Rules 2017|Misc.

Every year I compile rules in my head for the holidays that end up always staying there because I'm never able to enforce them. But just know what they are. I think I've done this before but I've definitely switched it up.

Here we have the rules of spending holidays at my house.

Rule #1: Don't enter my house with something as dinky and useless as a pack of 8 cups you got from the dollar store and expect to take leftovers home.
What you bring is what you take. You bring something shitty, you get something shitty in the end. I dearly appreciate the thought of those 8 cups or that pack of spoons (although we explained that we already have those) but that's not getting you a ticket for a pan of leftovers later.

Rule #2: Greet the person who's allowing your ungrateful self into the house.
Don't step foot into my house and not say a goddamn thing. If you are capable of speaking, you had better say the one word that gains you entry into my house. Hello, you son of a bitch. That's all you need to say. I don't give two shits if you speak to me or not later. Just say hello and you can fuck right off.

Rule #3: The bedrooms are forbidden to be entered by those who are not living in the house.
If there's one thing I don't want to see, it's people going into my room. I'm very strict on who goes into my room and what things of mine people may touch. I have valuables and breakables and a bullet vibrator that's always laying on my bed. What a Christmas that will be when my cousin snoops around my room and sees a little silver object with a button laying on my sheets. Ho ho ho, motherfucker.

Rule #4: Don't be a greedy asshole and take all the food for yourself.
There is plenty of food for everyone during and after the feast. If you have an abundance of food on your plate and continue to refill it, I am labeling you as greedy, not starving. Be considerate of the rest of us. This goes for leftovers as well. Refer to Rule #1. You take as much as you bring.
I really should start weighing food and charging anything over the limit.

Rule #5: If your children act like animals, control them or get the fuck out.
Both Mom and I work in childcare. We deal with spoiled, entitled, rotten children everyday. These are the holidays, people. I'm not at work. I'm not a glorified babysitter you dump your children on because you decided to pop your pussy too many times and have made several poor decisions in your life. You lie in the bed you made. Or you may get the fuck out.

Rule #6: You (or your kids) break it, you buy it.
I have several expensive decorations and valuables around the house because it makes my house look pretty and perfect. If your asshole kid breaks something expensive, you better pull out your wallet and drop a load of cash on the table to replace it (though some things are very old and can't be replaced). Checks are also accepted. You will be charged according to amount of damage.

Rule #7: Don't ask me personal questions unless I'm fucking asking you to.
No, do not ask me if I'm dating. Do not ask me if I'm really gay or just confused (satire aside, I've heard this too many times and it's so old). Do not ask me about my mental status. Do not ask me if I prefer oral to anal. Do not ask me about the girlfriend that not many people know I have. Do not ask me shit relating to what I do behind closed doors. Fuck right off or I will be asking you what your favorite sex position is and if your cherry has been popped yet, in front of everyone.
Shut the fuck up.

Rule #8: Be grateful for your gifts.
I don't care that you didn't want socks for a third year in a row. You'll wear them anyway. You better enjoy those Hello Kitty slippers or I'll beat you with them. I don't care that you're a 16-year-old guy. You better use that fuzzy blanket. I know it can't beat a useless video game, but this girl is broke and this blanket is all you'll get.
You know, I'll gladly take those gifts back and use them for myself, you asshat.

Rule #9: There will be no little sleepovers at my house.
Get your food, get your gifts, and get the fuck out.

Rule #10: A "thank you" is always appreciated.
All you have to do is thank the people who made your holiday possible, who allowed you into their home to share the holiday. So say thank you. This is the only rule I can only hope will be enforced. It's all I want. It's all I ask. If you can't even do that, you need to reevaluate yourself before Santa visits again with a stack of ugly underwear for your stocking.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
~
Sierra 🌙