Rant Time 3

"What Could Have Been"s

Have you ever just stopped and thought, "What could have been if I had or had not done this one thing in my life?" or "What would my life be like if I had or had not done that one thing in my life?"
And how did thinking about that make you feel? Chances are it's kind of scary, saddening, or upsetting. Sometimes, based on context, it gives hope and confidence that you made the right choice. But then, you think, what if I made the wrong choice?
This drives me insane. I have a problem with dwelling and regret. I'm always thinking about what could have been, what should have been, and what would have been. Most of the time, I get over it quickly and pull myself back down to earth on my own two feet, screw my head on as tight as I can, and move forward.
But sometimes, it just sits there, in the back of my head, lingering and driving my crazy all day long until I feel like my brain is going to explode. "What if"s are a big problem for me. I always think negatively, despite the fact that I had a positive outcome.
I think, "What if I didn't meet my best friend? I wouldn't be as happy."
"What if I hadn't gotten help as quickly as I did? I would be dead."
It's definitely a scare tactic I use to move myself forward. I think about it this and go back in time and erase that one thing in my head to see what my life would have turned out to be. Kind of like that Christmas movie It's a Wonderful Life.
What if I hadn't done that one thing? What if I had done that one thing? Then what?
It's fucking horrifying, to an extent. I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason." Even the tiniest of things. The smallest thing you do can have a huge outcome or affect. It's scary to think about it.
Maybe I really am going nuts, but I see myself dead, because I hadn't gotten help. I see myself lonely, because I didn't meet my best friend. I see myself as nothing, if I didn't work hard to become who I am.
It's like telling the past and future at the same time, and it sucks. I'm always thinking about what could've been, what should've been, and what would've been. I'm constantly flashing back and forth in time and thinking, "what could I have done differently?"
I feel regret for some things I did or didn't do. I'm a person who wants to do everything because I fear the feeling of regret. I don't want to miss out and regret it, and then waste time dwelling about it although I can't change anything.
I'm working on getting over it but it's tough. I keep wondering if I would have a better life had I had made better choices in the past. It makes me upset and I feel like I missed out on that opportunity. I wonder what my family's life would be like had I'd made the choice to end my own life. It gives me chills.
"What could've been"s are always floating through my mind. What could I have been if my depression and issues were caught earlier? What could I have been if I was smarter about life choices?
But, despite the fact that I'm still working on it, I do have advice to give someone who has this thought process. It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that I made some bad choices and could be a lot better if I'd made the correct choices, but guess what. It's over and done with. I cannot change it no matter how much I want to.
Accept the fact that what happened did happen and now you cannot go back and change it. All you can do now is learn from that mistake, make a better choice, and move forward. If you want to be the person in that vision, work your way towards it again, but don't give up. That "what could have been" may become your reality.
Do not dwell on it too much. Dwelling and thinking about it 24/7 will only make it worse. It will drive you crazy and those thoughts will forever haunt you. You'll start thinking about what could or should have been and eventually slip away from reality. Snap out of it, float back down to earth, and move on.
Make peace with yourself and move onto your future. Remember, whether it was your mistake or just some abrupt turn in your life, it's over. You have to accept it and make peace with it and yourself. You say, "It happened/didn't happen, but I will not beat myself up over it. It's time to move on." And you move. Because staying in that one place and thinking about it gets you nowhere.
I've learned that worrying about what my life could have been hinders my ability to live life in itself. It hinders my ability to move on and think about what my life could be. I worry about the future, not the past.
Trust me, it takes forever to come to accept the fact that you fucked up or life just didn't go as planned and now you're stuck. But that's life. You're not promised or granted shit. You can't wait around for life to move for you. You have to move first.
I ditch the "life plan" every once in awhile and go where life takes me. Sometimes you just have to be flexible and realize that life is full of surprises and turns, and you just have to go when it tells you to. Going by a strict life agenda or plan with get you nowhere. You'll be at that "what could have been" stage in no time. You're gonna be a sitting duck with your life plan clutched in your mouth, hoping for it to work, while life is already so far up ahead and you can't run fast enough to catch it.
Be flexible. Realize that people make mistakes and life doesn't go as planned. Learn from it, pick it back up, and move on. That's all you have to do.
The "what could have been"s will slowly vanish into the hazy fog we call the past.
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I'm getting my highlights today! I'm so excited! I'm also sending in the design for my birthday cake. Oh, and my uncle is coming to my party. :/ It's gonna be...interesting.
Birthday Countdown: 5 days
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Sierra 🌙