Where Have You Been All My Life

61|Happiness

"Because I know you're happy with it!" He smiled caressing her cheek.

"Do you trust me Raman?"

"Is that a question!" He exhaled in disbelief.

She held his hand close to her heart for some time, while he beheld her curiously, apprehensive and tensed up to see how she is taking ages to open up, strangely. He was looking at her bemused when she led him to their bed and made him sit there, with her standing in front of him, touching his shoulders. He looked up, like a child who was scared of his surroundings as if he is alien there, and she blinked her eyes reassuringly. He was not a fool not to understand what the entire thing meant. However, he still believed in the least percent; this could not be what she is going to reveal. He perspired.

"Raman...please don't slap me or hate me..." She sobbed, her words appeared unclear while he looked on apologetically for slapping her. "I'm..." She gulped in a lump and steered his hand to her stomach, which was visible through her near translucent saree. "I don't want to lose anything Raman; neither you nor our baby. Let me feel this... Please... Please smile, even if you're not happy. Mujhe bas aapka smile chahiye... Nahi toh main marr jaaungi... I want this baby. I won't be able to feel it if...you won't let me... Please Raman... I need your support. Mujhse itna bhi pyar mat karo... Please..." She broke down crying, on her knees while he looked on baffled.

It was true, he seriously felt their unborn or could be child a hurdle in his happiness, their happiness. He was selfish but he was not cold-hearted. It was a momentary decision that he still lamented. He did not share that hurt with her; he would feel so low. He decided to kill his baby; but he did not feel it wrong either, because he wanted her with him until life lasts. He was all alone when he cried out, for the grave decision he had taken, callous and cruel. Getting over the stout resolution was not easy as it was very difficult to forget the fact that they had already lost two of their babies!

He had empathized himself for being the simple, unworthy man, who could do nothing but comply with what destiny has stored. The pain of unknowingly losing them in the past has been eating him up, each day when he takes her in his arms; only if he cared to know her actual health condition and never gave her that pain! Then, the decision, evanescent, to get rid of every single hindrance that stops him from having a contented life with his wife; how could he be so self-centered!

Even though these were all his perceptual quandaries, he realized this was the exact way, how Ishita has judged him all along. He would not have cared to explain his point, his trepidations, his stress, and pain that still tormented him, if it were not Ishita. She should know him well, the way he knows her silence itself. He could understand her words even if she would not utter anything; then why could not she understand him? He felt it breaking him from within as he watched her begging him, for the life their baby. Did not she realize the life inside her is a part of him, putting down him or her would push him to the pit of guilt for this life? She really does not know him! She really does not know what kind of a man he is!

Nevertheless, he did not want to show how wrecked he was. He did not want to stress her now. Maybe they would have a talk on it someday: they have their life until death ahead and he would not leave her without giving an explanation. That determination was making him clench his fist as he looked down at her, whose head now kept on his knee while she insistently cried. He reluctantly caressed her hair that halted her cries, and she raised her head to look closely at his reddened face. She could feel something was bothering him, probably he is not okay with her pregnancy.