Hogwarts, Giant Squids and Sirius Black

Chapter 35~ She's gone

 Lily's POV

Dead. She was dead. And the worst thing was part of me was happy. Happy that she was gone and I wouldn't have to leave her because she left me. She left us. Strangely enough I missed her. Even though I let her go, I never said goodbye. She didn't let me say goodbye. 

"Lily," Remus asked, tapping my shoulder as I stood silently just a step away from the staircase leading to the girls dorm, "how are you holding up?" Looking up into Remus's eyes that shone with unshed tears, I bit my lip trying to hold back the flood of tears that had gathered in my own eyes. 

"Not well," I whispered, my voice cracking on the last sentence before I furiously swiped at the tears that had escaped from my eyes. Crying's not going to bring her back. "Do you need help," he enquired gently, knowing fully well what I was facing upstairs. 

"Yes, I can't do this on my own." 

And it was the truth. I can't. Abigail's dead and Severus isn't an option anymore. There's only one other pers-

"Lily," Remus began hesitantly, "don't hex me but I-I think it would help if you cured James. I know he can be a complete arse sometimes but correct me if I'm wrong, but he really does care about you." 

Should I? Should I risk opening my heart to James? 

Yes.

It was time I admitted that Potter could have his moments when he wasn't surrounded by his oversized ego, which was rarely. I found my hand in my pocket, my fingers running over the small vial that contained the finished Hate potion I'd been keeping for a while. 

"Thanks," I smiled sincerely for the first time in a while, taking the Hate potion out of my pocket and showing it to Remus, "do you think you could help me fix everything?" 

"Of course," he managed to smile weakly before sniffing loudly, averting his eyes as he wiped a few stray tears from his red rimmed eyes, understanding the unspoken meaning in my words, "together?" 

"Together," I confirmed, holding his hand as we went to gather the rest of the crew. 

An hour later all of us stood in the dorm full of  misery and loss. 

"This is it I guess. Take what memoirs of her you want." 

Wordlessly I approached the messy bed, the covers still thrown to the side of the bed from when I had woken her up. The last time I saw her alive. Sure the body on the hospital bed was alive but it wasn't her. Just an empty vessel. 

There was a stuffed tentacle peaking from under the covers. Vaguely I remembered this had been Abigail's one and only stuffed toy she owned. Gently I fished the squid plush from under the covers before holding it up and inspecting it. 

There is one thing I need to do. Claiming the stuffed plush on my bed, I slowly took her duvet as a memoir while Vanessa and Vivienne each took a pillow. Peter found a faded green ribbon, to which Remus quickly took off him, before he settled on Abigail's course work.

"I'll be back, there's a few things I need to do," I told the rest of them, receiving looks of understanding from all of them. Picking up the squid plush, I made my way downstairs and found the familiar mop of hair quickly. 

"Hey," I smiled at him, nudging his knee when he didn't respond. 

"What do you want Evans," he asked coolly, looking up from the parchment he was studying closely. I had grown used to his aloofness so I just dismissed it, shoving Abigail's squid into his hands. All of a sudden his expression changed but I didn't stay long enough to discover what had sparked such a change. 

I had one more thing to do.

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Sirius's POV

Numbly, I stared at the locket in my hand, which i had found underneath my bed just then, turning it over and over again before flicking it open and gazing at the picture of her laughing. Confusion filled me before I snapped it shut again, absent-mindedly wiping away a few tears as I mulled over the year. 

My memories had a dream like quality to them, the hours full of laughter with the other marauders seemed wrong like there was something missing from them. Those four unforgettable words started to fill my mind again, an undecipherable code. 

Non eris parvulus Amavit. 

"Non eris parvulus Amavit," I whispered, a sudden sense of urgency flooding me as I scrambled to find the Latin dictionary in the room somewhere. Repeating it over and over again, I located the small book before frantically flipping it through, muttering each individual word until I knew what it meant. 

No child will be loved. 

That's not right though. There's something else. I'm missing something here. 

"Remember!"

That cry echoed in my mind, my own voice shouting desperately as a headache started to form, almost as if there was something trapped in my skull trying to break free, before everything became deadly quiet. The calm before the storm. And just like the lightning that flashes through the sky after the first droplets of rain have fallen, I remembered. 

You will not be loved child. 

I remembered everything. 

I remembered everything again. 

The curse-Abigail- everything! 

How could I have ever let myself forget? 

But as fast as the moment of clarity had struck, everything else creeped in as I realised she was gone. My breath started to speed up until I was on the verge of unconsciousness yet I didn't feel a thing as my eyes filled with tears and all my emotions flowed out of me.  

And I sat there on my bed and cried, an empty shell of Sirius Black.