The Desolated Two

// forty //

Diana's POV

The front door closes and I almost jump at the sound of it, being well aware of the last goodbye we were always bound to share. The pain in my chest grows with every second that goes on, because I know, that's a second more that I'm going to spend my life without the only man who was capable enough of provoking any kind of feelings beneath my cold rotted heart.

When I talk about feelings, I don't mean that I'm an emotionally shut down person, what I mean is that I've been way too numb to the idea of a romantic relationship, it never appealed to me after what happened four years back. I do feel though, I always have, I care but I only care about my own, about my family.

Emily is the biggest part of it.

It's funny how I have to repress her thoughts even to myself when I'm not near her, forcing myself to resist mentioning her in front of anyone who isn't aware of her existence. The only time I'm allowed to even have her in my thoughts is the time I'm either alone in this apartment or when she's by my side, which is always. Except, on some weekends and during the time I spend in office.

I'm a mother! I've never really said that aloud before to anyone because I never needed to. She's like my little secret, my most beautiful possession.

Whatever happened in my past, it has stayed buried until today. Telling Aaron things, just even a minor part of it brought out memories that have been repressed in my mind through years, the things I don't even mention to myself.

My eighteenth birthday, for example.

I lost so much that day, yet by the end of it, an angel was there sleeping in my arms. Emily's existence in my life is probably the only reason I made it through everything, she was my only hope when I was drowning and fighting against the demons that were my thoughts. But, she saved me.

And when she's there, nothing else seems to matter. I'm a cold bitch to the world, I always will be, but to her, I'm the opposite of the word cold. I'm everything everyone wishes me to be. I've never raised my voice at her, that's how much of a control she has over me.

But when Aaron came along, things changed. No one had seen the other side of me, but he got through me, and I let him because I trust him. Even though he just walked out on me, I still trust him!

I didn't accept my feelings for him just five days ago, subconsciously I was aware of them from a long time. The night we kissed on the roof, that was the beginning of my process to slowly accept things to myself. But I kept pushing him away, because he couldn't know! He couldn't know about Emily!

And why he couldn't know it? Because he would have left me even before I got him. I have replayed this scene so many times in my head over and over again, where I tell him about my daughter and he decides to leave me, I just never thought it'll be this soon.

I'm well aware of the fact that I could've prevented all this if I was honest with him from the beginning, but I couldn't take that risk. Not just because of my daughter, but because of me too! If he had known about her, he would have wanted to be a part of her life too, and I wasn't ready for her to grow attached to someone I didn't know was here to stay. But, that's not the only thing! If he had been a part of her life, he would have seen the other side of me, the side I am not usually ready to show to people easily!

It's not fair, how I treated him. And he deserves better, which is why I let him go. I didn't stop him because I can't give him what he wants.

Someone to trust.

I'm a manipulative lying bitch, but that's just who I am and I've accepted it to myself. There's no harm in being truthful to yourself, that's the only thing that I've learned through years.