Uncertainty - Stiles Stilinski [1]

forty-five

"You know, the human life is made up of choices. Yes or no, in or out, up or down. And then there are the choices that matter. To love or hate, to be a hero or to be a coward, to fight or to give in, to live or die, Live or die, that's the important choice and it's not always in our hands... Live or die, hero or coward, fight or give in. I'll say it again to make sure you hear me. The human life is made up of choices. Live or die, that's the important choice and it's not always in our hands."

After I finished my sentence, Ms.Morrell looked up at me.

"And why are you telling me this?" she asked me carefully.

"You know when you're drowning, you don't actually inhale until right before you black out. It's called voluntary apnea. It's like no matter how much you're freaking out, the instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your head's exploding. But then when you finally do let it in, that's when it stops hurting. It's not scary anymore. It's - it's actually kind of peaceful" I explained to her.

"You're drifting away, Amber. I don't know if I can help you if you don't tell me what going on in your head" Ms. Morrell debated.

"I had no control. It was like I was controlled, like someone held me hostage in my own body..." I mumbled.

"Are you saying that you killed Matt with your own hands?"

"What does it look like to you?" I questioned her and raised my hands, causing the pencil I held in my hands to drop on the floor.

"I think that you don't care what happened to him."

"Of course I don't! Just because a bunch of dumbasses dragged him into a pool when he couldn't swim doesn't really give him the right to go off killing them one by one! Including my sister!" I charged at her but she stayed calm.

"So to repeat what you said earlier, it wasn't in your hands that you killed Matt?" she asked me.

"I didn't kill him! Well, I did but it wasn't me, if you understand what I mean... I wasn't thinking straight. I'm still not thinking straight right now. Everything is ... strange. Scott and his mother are still not talking since that night and I don't think he's talked to Allison either. But that might be more her choice, you know. Her mom dying hit her pretty hard but I guess it brought her and her dad closer... Jackson? Jackson hasn't really been himself lately. Actually the funny this is as of right now, Lydia is the one who seems the most normal."

"What about Stiles? What about your relationship?" she inquired.

"I don't know. We haven't really talked since I ran away and drowned Matt. He doesn't know that it was me. No one know besides you. And it should stay like this. If Stiles knows that I killed Matt, he'll see with with different eyes. He won't look at me the same way he used to" I told her.

"Do you think that everything is going back to normal?"

"I don't think that my life will ever be normal again... How come you're not taking any notes on this?"

"I do my notes after the session" she answered me with her voice steady.

"Your memory's that good?" I asked her unsure whether this session would help me.

"How about we get back to you, Amber?"

"I'm fine. Yeah, aside from the not sleeping, being an orphan with no family member left, the constant, overwhelming, crushing fear that something terrible's about to happen..." I told her.

She nodded and raised a small smile. "It's called hyper-vigilance, the persistent feeling of being under threat."

"But it's not just a feeling though, It's like it's a panic attack. You know, like I can't even breath" I explained and held my hands around my neck.