Shawn Mendes Imagines

189: Burn

Based on the song Burn from Hamilton originally performed by Phillipa Soo

Sitting on the large, plush couch; I drowned my sorrows in a massive tub of Baskin and Robins ice cream and an overrated Spanish romcom series which is couldn't even understand.

"He's just going to cheat on you and break your heart!" I yelled at the naive character who was stuck choosing between her future- as a singer- or a boy, who has his way with girls and then leaves. "God! You're so naive" I yelled. "I'm so naive."

And just like that, the tears started to fall. What did I do to deserve this? I tugged at the sleeve of my sweatshirt and wiped them away as quickly as they fell.  The grey material turning darker as it became saturated by the tiny drops of salted water that fell from my eyes. My breathing was uneven, the hiccups started and for the first time, I was angry.

No, I was beyond angry! What did I do to deserve this? How could I have been so stupid? So oblivious to the way he was.

I hated him.

I hated him so much; I hated the fact he could hurt me the way he did. He had such a way with words, he would charm me into believing he actually loved me. He would make me feel as if I was his and he was mine. Mine, I thought you were mine.

I raced up the stairs, barged into my room and hastily pulled out the shoe box from underneath my bed. I threw the lid off, grabbed the small metal bucket that I used as a trashcan and pulled out the hundreds of letters, note and photographs that had been shoved into the small, paper covers box over the past 3 years.

I re-read most letters and note. The letters and notes you left me. I'm searching for the lines in which you said you were mine.

God, I'm such a fool. They warned me about you- they all did but I was too blind to see. You're in this for yourself, you always protected yourself even if it hurt me in the process.

'It's the way it has to be.' you would say. You were a musician, you were a star. Eyes were on you all the time, one little mistake and you were finished- except they missed this one. Or maybe they did see but they chose to pretend not to. You were paranoid how they perceived you, what the world thought of you was a big thing to you and I thought I saw a side of you they didn't, a side that was inclusively for me to see but I never. It was all lies.

I loved you, I didn't care what the newspapers said. I didn't believe those made up rumour about you and other girls, I ignore those pictures of you and other girls because it was probably just 'business' and I was just 'paranoid' or maybe it was because I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to hurt.

Becoming fed up with he constant lies which you fed me- the lies I believed- I swallowed the large lump forming in my throat, I ignored the burning sensation in my nose, I blinked away the tears pricking my waterline and threw everything into the trash can.

Lighting a match, I tossed it in with the papers and watched the flames catch onto every corner of every letter, every note and every photograph and burn.

I watched it burn.

And what was before me was a visual representation of the ending of our once bittersweet relationship, for me. I had already ended it for you, but I was till holding onto what we had until now. I was letting go, watching it burn into ashes, watching it disappear till nothing was left. Till there was nothing to remind me of you.

Im erasing myself from his life. I want the fans to wonder where I've gone or how I reacted when he broke my heart- when he tore it all apart.

I watched it burn.

I was burning the memories, burning the letters that might have redeemed him. Those sweet words no longer affected me, they were cremated in the bottom of the bucket, far away from my heart. He forfeited everything he had, he forfeited the rights to my heart, he forfeited the place in our bed. He forfeited our love- my love.

He has nothing left of me. Only the memories of when he was mine.

The flame started to die down, the smell of burnt paper ever rising. A slight tickle of paper against my foot alerted my attention as I reached to grab it I realised it was a picture of Shawn and I at Disneyland in front of the castle.

My Minnie Mouse ears perfectly placed on my head, our hands intertwined, smiles fixated on our faces as if we wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world- and at that point I didn't- and on the bottom; written in messy boyish writing was:

Always and forever, my love.
02.14.17

With an attempted heart drawn underneath.

My lip shuddered as I ripped the paper in half and threw it into the trash causing the flames to reignite.

I hope that you burn.

OH MY GOD! I AM LIVING FOR THIS IMAGINE. I'm actually really proud of this one and because I'm such a musical theatre nerd I had so much fun listening to the same song on repeat over and over again!! Let me know what you think and if there are any suggestions, muchos gracias