Suicide Helpline

f l a w

"Sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head

Let it be said what the headache represents

It's me defending in suspense

It's me suspended in a defenseless test

Being tested by a ruthless examiner

That's represented best by my depressing thoughts"

Shane stared down at his foot that was gently tapping out the rhythm of the song. He sat alone in the hotel room. He couldn't even remember what number it was. He moved around so much nowadays that he had forgotten to keep track. For some absurd reason he found it completely necessary to listen to the music through headphones. It didn't matter that there was no one else in the room to yell at him for turning the music up so loud.

Apart from his own mind.

The headphone wire was wrapped three times around his ring finger at exactly the right pressure to leave slight red imprints that would fade in a matter of seconds once the pressure was released. 

Everything was normal. Everything was fine. Everything was just peachy.  Everything was ordinary. Everything was- he'd turned up the volume to the exact right bar of sound. He'd sat on the correct third of the bed. He'd left the door ajar at the correct angle. He'd wrapped the wire around his fingers three times. At the correct pressure. Then why did he feel like something was...off.

Something was missing. The feeling had lingered with him all morning. Something was wrong. Horribly wrong. Yet he couldn't quite figure out what it was. It was as if a tiny fragment of his mind had been displaced. 

He didn't know what it was.

He liked to think if his mind as organised, assorted into it's different sectors. Today, however, something was wrong. One of those boxes was leaking. Contaminating the rest of his mind along with it. He couldn't think what it was for the life of him. He had done everything right. In the right order. At the right time. The right number of times.

So...what was it?

DAMN IT! His mind internally screamed at him. He needed to figure this out. Quick. Before something far worse than a terrifying inkling sensation occurred.

His mind was a jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing. Unfortunately for him the piece was so small; so insignificant that it was impossible to realise that it was missing in the first place. It was one of those pathetic little sections of blue sky that was completely insignificant and didn't seem to fit in anywhere. 

It shouldn't have mattered. What did it matter that one piece was missing. One small, pathetic, tiny, little piece. Why the hell did it matter so much?

Unfortunately for him that seemingly insignificant piece was indeed a corner piece.

Without a corner a jigsaw had a rough edge.

Hell.

His mind was on edge.

Throughout the duration of the day Shane had not been able to shake the feeling that something just wasn't right. The most frustrating thing was that he couldn't see through the crumbling code of his mind to see where the flaw was. It all looked the same. Normal. Ordinary. Fine. Perfectly fine.

He was fine.

He was fine.

Wasn't he?

The churning in his stomach and the endless "what ifs" in his mind told him otherwise.

His thoughts had hitched a ride on the endless carosel that was his mind, spinning round and round in his mind like a scratched record.

Perfect.

Perfectly fine.

Perfectly normal.

Perfectly ordinary.

Until.

That.

One.

Scratch.

That tiny scratch that was screaming at him that something was very, very wrong.

He didn't get it.

He couldn't grasp it.

Nothing was different.

Nothing.

Nothing.

His day had been perfectly on schedule. So far. He had done everything exactly as it needed to be. He had washed his hands thoroughly and regularly enough. He had spoken the exact same words to the receptionist as he did every morning.

He checked his watch.

9:52 AM

No. That was fine too. This was his designated time of day to have a break.

So.

What was it?

It was then that he realised.

This hair rising feeling wasn't new.

No.

It had been occurring for a while now.

For fourteen days to be exact.

It had started fourteen days ago.

Right after he broke his schedule for the first time since he could remember.

After he had made a certain phone call.

The day that he had unintentionally brought something completely and utterly unpredictable into his life.

He had unknowingly traded his sense of mind for a smile.

He wasn't entirely certain that he regretted that.

"Am I the only one I know?

Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat

Shadows will scream that I'm alone

But I know, we've made it this far"