Suicide Helpline

e u l o g y

Shane = Bold

Shane wore white to the funeral.

He felt that she had seen him in in black far too often, that perhaps it would be a better form of respect than anything else could have been. The colour was a sort of tribute. A tribute to the man that she believed he could be. Not a hero to the world, but a hero to himself.

Fortunately for his state of mind, there were not many people present to judge his wardrobe decision. Only a very much sober father, a sobbing cousin, a grim-looking boyfriend and an outsider dressed in white. It was a small but meaningful gathering. Cleopatra Quinn had not been known to many. Those she had known, however, had known her so well that there was an empty space in her absence.

It had been her father's idea to bury her in the back garden. Next to her mother. He had said that he did not wish for her to be surrounded by breathless strangers, but with someone who she could truly rest in peace with.

A tree stump had been set up as a makeshift podium. Each member of the funeral went up to say their part, words crumbling at each tear.

Shane spoke last, fully aware that he had not written anything for the occasion. He had felt that paper would warp his emotions, not truly allowing him to speak from the heart.

"I'm aware that not all of you will know me. Or, perhaps, you know me as a pixeled face on your television screen. Although most of us have never met, I feel that we have one thing in common. That...of course, is the love we feel for Cleo Quinn.

And I say 'feel' in the present tense because...because that's the truth. Just because a person dies doesn't mean that the love we feel for that person dies with them. Or, perhaps, it does. But...that's only if we let it.

Cleo was...she was something that a single word can't describe. She...she was stronger than I ever could be...than anyone ever could be. She didn't let the rumours get to her or...or let her past mistakes haunt her. She was everything I couldn't be. She saw what she was becoming and stopped herself before all the hatred in her life swallowed her whole and that...that is the bravest thing anyone can ever do. You can fight a thousand wars but...to change when nobody wants you to? That's...that's quite something.

Her death was unexpected to all of us. I...I don't think any of us really realised what a major role she played in our lives until she was gone.

I know for her dad she was more than just the splitting image of her mother. Cleo gave up so much for him when he did not care for it. She...gave up her time to take care of Vaughn because she refused to take him to the hospital just so that she could protect her dad from the consequences of his actions. She...she was the reminder of the responsibilities he still had, of the love he was still capable of receiving from his daughter.

To Vaughn, she was the smile on a rainy day, the only one to offer him a smile when he was wallowing in his own self-pity. And...although Eddie did not know her long, she still somehow managed to make as much of an impact on him as he did on her. I think...I think those two made each other a little stronger in their brief conversations.

We all knew her in different ways...loved her in different ways so...so we have all grieved in our own ways. We still are. I know Vaughn and Eddie have found some sort of peace in each other and Cleo...she would have liked that. She would have been happy to see you grieving together. She would have been happy to know that her death hadn't torn you apart because, if anything, it brought you together.

Her death made all realise what it means to have time. It...it dared us to live while we still could. It dared Vaughn and Eddie to say, 'I love you', before they couldn't anymore. Because I... I was too late.

To me, Cleo wasn't anything short of Super-girl. She may not have been able to fly but talking to her made me feel as if I could. Her power lay within her words and God knows did she use that to her advantage. She spoke in a way that made you stop and really consider what she was saying. She...made me realise that there are no good or bad people. There are just humans. Cleo Quinn was...she was an angel among humans and the world realized that a little too late.

At first...I didn't take it well. But then again, the first stages of grief usually aren't graceful. I trashed my entire hotel room in a fit of rage, replaying the last words she spoke over and over in my head until the room was as broken as I felt.

I cried, a lot. I couldn't open my phone because I knew that all I would see were messages of condolence that, in reality, were just a reminder that she wasn't here anymore. The acceptance itself was difficult. I saw her everywhere, in books, in songs, in laughs and smiles. Everything around me hadn't seemed to matter anymore. I quit my singing career and moved in with Vaughn and Eddie.

People tried to talk to me but I shut them all out. I didn't want to share the grief that was so personal to the love I had felt for her.

I tried everything. I spoke a thousand words and wept a thousand tears but nothing...nothing brought her back."

His voice cracked.

"I spent a month holed up in her room, half expecting her to walk through the door at any moment. She didn't. I took me a little too long to realise that she was never going to.

I...I've now accepted that she's dead but...it was in her death that I learned something vitally important. Death is not something that you completely understand until it touches someone close to you. But now...now I understand several things.

The first thing is a misconception of life, the second a misconception of death.

The thing about life is the time we waste in it. Sometimes, we spend so much time worrying about our problems that we forget to solve them.

As for death...death doesn't have to mean complete loss.

Cleo had a space in all of our hearts. She was given such a short time to live. I didn't have time to tell that I loved her. I have never really understood the impact death can have on the people left behind but now I do and...and I now know that I can't do that to the people around me. I...I have to forgive myself and let the people around me help because they are willing to help. I...I just wrote them off as villains who couldn't help me because, deep down, I didn't want help. I just wanted to let myself drown whilst watching everyone around me float. But...this is my way of showing my love for her, by taking advantage of the time that she didn't have.

Yes, a part of me died with her but that hole had now been filled with warm memories that I will always cherish. Cleo isn't dead, she lives in us. She lives in the new person we have all become. Each piece of her moulded us into new, better people. She was such an inspiration to us...to us all."

Silent tears fell from his eyes.

"But we...we have to take that forward. We have to turn our grief into better lives for ourselves because that...that's what she would have wanted."