Suicide Helpline

l e t t e r s | t o | c l e o

So, haha, yeah, more bonus chapters, aren't you lucky? But, anyways, this is a chapter that used to be in the sequel (now deleted) and a wonderful person ( ordinarymiracles) suggested that I should put it in Suicide Helpline and I can't believe I haven't thought of it before. It's the perfect way to wrap it all up. So, without furth ado, this is 'letters to Cleo'.

This is set in the setting that our boys (Vaughn, Eddie and Shane) have sent a helium balloon up into the sky to wish Cleo happy birthday with a card attached to it. I don't know about you, but my family always do this on the birthday of my grandad (who is dead) or one of my friends who also died. So, this is a bit of a tradtion for me. I don't know if anyone else does it but, this is what I do. Writing letters like these to my loved ones up in the sky is always one of the highlights of my year :)

____________________________________________

Dear Cleo,

Wherever you are, you are remembered and you will continue to live through those memories. Although it is sometimes less painful to forget, it would be a great injustice to the invaluable life you led. What you left us with were words of wisdom that we now speak, spreading your message now that you cannot speak it for yourself.

Happy 18th birthday Cleo, each one of us wishes that you were here to celebrate it with us.

E D D I E

Loverboy wrote that heart-warming introduction up there. Me and Vaughn decided that we weren't good at all that mushy stuff. Your guy has become quite the poet, me and Vaughn pretend that we haven't read his notebook but we don't have jobs and there's only so many places online uni can get you so we don't really have anything better to do.

Come to think of it, we should probably get jobs. We can't just live off of your dad's money for the rest of our lives.

Pretty much all of what Shane writes is about you. It's not really fair that he has to be alone, poor kid pretty much sold half his soul to you. Anyone could have seen that you two were meant for each other and when you left some of him did too. That's the danger with love though, you risk losing yourself when the other person leaves.

I have faith though. Your boy's tough Cleo, you made him realise how important it is to hang on even when there's nothing to hang on to.

And, yes, we're having a birthday party. Just the three of us. In the backyard with candles that you'll never blow out. The cake is really good though.

You weren't known by many people Cleo and most of the people who did know you didn't treat you right. Given more time you probably could have owned the entire damn universe.

So, no, you weren't held close by many but for the few who did appreciate you, including myself, you were remembered. As you will continue to be.

Happy birthday Cleo.

V A U G H N

It's weird with you not here.

I keep expecting you to show up. Like yesterday, when I was in the kitchen writing on that whiteboard you bought me after demanding that I got myself organized. I was writing down a reminder to take my motorbike down to the workshop to get some work done on it (pretty sure the engine's busted) and I wrote "get bike fixed. be their at 9:30 am". I immediately spun around and waited for you to give me a lecture on grammar.

I just stood there for a second, suddenly realising that you were gone. And you weren't coming back.

I don't think you really know how much you need someone until they're gone (see, I used the right there in that sentence, I think). It's the little things. Like your shoes that are still by the door. Or how your school set up a Facebook page saying how much they loved and adored you and will always miss you. Which, as you know, is complete BS. Who the hell bullies someone to the point of shoving them in a locker and then adores them? It's so fricking messed up. Me, Shane and Eddie were so close to going down there and punching the heart emojis right off their keyboards.

Then we decided that you probably wouldn't appreciate us getting charged for murder.

But that's what death does to you. It makes people realise things. It breaks people. It makes people feel guilty about things that they wouldn't have felt guilty about otherwise. Those kids at your school, it was your death that brought out the fake condolences. Not all of it was fake. Just most. Some kids typed out long ass paragraphs that actually had good grammar. Some of them were generally sorry but it sucks that it took you dying for them to say it.

You may have been my cousin but you took the time to understand me more than my own parents did and I can't thank you enough for that.

Happy 18th birthday Cleo, hope your next life will better than the one you got down here. You deserved so much better. You went through hell and then some Cleo. For getting through that without breaking that...that's really something.

The world missed out on you Cleo. You weren't in it nearly long enough.

S H A N E

In that last voicemail before you died you told me to pick a star in the sky and imagine that it was you, that you'd be my guardian angel. I can almost imagine you with a halo and wings, they'd probably suit you. I don't really believe in the afterlife but if there is one and you don't get into heaven I swear I will find a way to sue God.

I thought I'd have loads to write but I've come to realise that it is incredibly hard to write down everything you feel.

You didn't entirely die, you know that, right? You left a little piece of yourself in each of us. You made us better people Cleo, whether you knew it or not.

All the other words I want to write are in my head. How much I miss you. How much I need you. How I see you in everything around me. Google says there are stages of grief. I'm pretty sure I've gone through every single stage and then back around again.

I'm not going to write down all the words I want to say because they belong in my head, a place where no one else can reach them but you and me. Or, at least, the memory of you and me.

That and I'm running out of space on the card.

I still love you.

I think I always will.

I know I always will.

PS: If you get reincarnated as a snail I promise I'll stop chucking them over the garden fence every time I see one.