I just want to fall in love again.
My first real love, obviously, did not work out.
But I have this idea that love is something I need. Something that will make me feel, somehow, less depressed? Or at least, something that will distract me?
But that's kind of hard, when no one loves you. Or at least, that's how it appears.
All I want is someone I can take home to my parents, post online about, lowkey exploit, highkey spoil, and just give my heart to.
And I think I forgot how complicated dating was. Between my first love and now, I think only one relationship really had a chance. And it was because that person really loved me back. But everyone else...it never worked out because i promised the world and got dirt in return.
So I guess, I need someone that's all in. I'm not talking marriage, but I'm not talking bullshit either. I need someone that wants to really fall in love with me. I want someone that will take me months to get over, not hours. I want someone that will love me.
Because I'm used to bullshit. Really, I'm used to going out of my way to fall in love with someone, and getting nothing back. I'm used to overdoing things. I'm used to getting cheated on and lied to and being the second choice.
So, for a change, I just want to hold someone's hand while we look at Christmas lights and sing stupid songs and be stupid and get kissed on the forehead and look in the stands or in he crowd and see someone cheering me on and goddamn I'm gonna do the same for that person.
But generally, nobody wants to fall in love with me because I'm not attractive enough. Maybe I'm not thin enough, not nice enough, not pretty enough..? I don't know. But everyone I like seems to like someone else who's better than me.
I'm sorry for this shitpost. I'm really trying to put out good stuff, but lately I feel like shit and writing is a good outlet.
-Kai
