Words of Time: A Collection of Poems Throughout The Years

Chapter Fifteen: We All Just Want To Be Loved

The Words I Never Got To Say In Person

Dear, Lost lover

When I first met you, I didn't want to fall in love. I kept telling myself that I wouldn't let it happen, but it did. Each day that I saw you was another opportunity to fall more and more in love with you. It wasn't something that just happened, it was an on-going process; a process where I would miss you, then see you again, not realizing I was falling for you.

The moments we shared were those of true affection. Never once did I hold back, even though I knew there was a chance I could get hurt again. My past relationships have been anything but perfect. Most of them have been emotional roller coasters of push and pull, give and take. I have been cheated on, as well as accused of cheating, neither of which I wish to experience again.

When we first started seeing each other, I trusted you and gave you the benefit of the doubt, despite being paranoid and having panic attacks lurking in the shadows. You were straight forward and honest about everything, something most people don't do.

Your unique personality and quirkiness made me laugh and kept me entertained. One of the reasons I began to fall in love with you was that there was never a dull moment.

When I finally realized I wanted to be official, you told me to wait. I wasn't deterred, I accepted your request, knowing that you would be worth any length of time. As I waited, I treated you as if I wasn't. I gave you all of me, not caring about a label. The way I touched you, held you, caressed you, and watched you as you slept were my way of saying "I love you". Sometimes those words are hard to find, especially when one has been badly hurt in the past.

Something amazing happened while I waited though. Before I met you I had all but given up on having a family and getting married. The way you reciprocated my love gave me hope that you would be different. I began to wonder what our kids would look like considering our contrasting appearances. In the back of my mind I knew I still had to wait for you, but I was ready and willing at the drop of a hat.

Then we had some trying times and my dreams began to torment me. I dreamed of you leaving me, but I ignored it because I figured dreams are just dreams and I can't let fear rule my life.

The day came when my dream of having kids with you got shattered. I knew there was still a long way to go for us, but dreams of the future are what give people hope when their lives aren't what they expected.

I'm torn and confused ever since that day. I don't know if it will take you weeks or months to figure things out, but I hope it isn't years. My plan to get married and have kids is still possible, but now I find myself doubting what I want.

A full-time job is great and so is having sports and friends, but I want to strive for more. I want to improve myself through education and travel. I want to invest in someone who can imagine a future with me, but still be realistic that it won't be easy to achieve. I need someone who sees the value in me and knows that I will give all or nothing. I need someone who can accept all that I have to offer and be willing to work with me as a partner, regardless of label.

Because of what I have endured, I know relationships can be demanding and require work. The thing that you need to know, is that fear doesn't hold me back like it used to.

Loving someone is the greatest feeling in the world, and when you find someone who is willing to be patient and accept every piece of you, that's when you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Someone who listens to you so they understand is better than someone who listens to answer. Someone who wants to hold you and cuddle you is better than someone who just wants to get their rocks off. Someone who wants to know all about your past and will hold you close when you start to cry is worth more than any money.

Someone amazing comes along once in a lifetime and offers you what you've deserved all of these years. You may not know why, but they see you and they cherish every moment they have with you. It's the little things that money can't buy that mean the most.

I can honestly say that no one has ever waited for me, or tried to prove to me that they truly cared. Maybe I'm a rare breed, one that has been so broken down over the years that I know love, patience, and understanding are key to helping someone when they are battling through life. We all have our struggles, some smaller than others, and some that can't be suppressed by staying busy, or numbing the pain. Sometimes we just need to lean on someone and let it all out: every tear, every frustration, every fear, and every failure.

We may not know what life has in store for us tomorrow, so we should love like it isn't guaranteed and go to sleep with someone special in our hearts and minds. At the end of the day, all we have is the present moment to make memories. Dreaming of the future gives us hope that we can make it and persevere together. Even if we don't know the way, we'll at least get lost together and we'll figure things out as they happen.

Good people are hard to come by, and sometimes those people are able to see the potential in others who are lost or drowning in life. These people who love with no boundaries will get hurt, but what they share will save others from a far worse fate.

We're all in this world together, so let's make it a better place. Let's start by conquering the fears of our minds, no matter how scary they may seem. I'll be right here with you, every step of the way.

Love,

The one you pushed away