Chanbaek Paragraphs

👑The Open Letter👑

People write because no one listens.

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To the person I shouldn’t be in love with;

I hope you won’t be mad at me.

I can’t even say hi like how I usually do. Or call your name. Or greet you like the usual. I’m sorry, Chan. It’s just because I don’t think I have the right to face you. Or exist in your life.

I know. I’m a coward. That thing is given. And maybe I’m also an asshole for hoping that you won’t be able to read this ever, because I don’t know what this will make you feel. I can’t even look at you without feeling guilty. And by that, you can say that I’m a weakling too. The truth is, my heart was swelling with ache so much, I wasn’t able to tell you a thing about how I feel for you. I was too weak to continue bottling this up. It hurt so much.

I’m unfortunately in love with you, Chanyeol. I’m sorry. I know we promised to be friends forever, to stay by our sides until the end. You were the one who told me we had to do such promise. You told me one of us couldn’t exist without the other. We had a really strong bond and even others were jealous of that. We were inseparable. And maybe that was the reason why you always told me I was special. Because we always saved each other. And you always treated me as your sibling.

But this happened. Baekhyun happened.

I wasn’t supposed to love you like this, right? We should love each other as best friends, as buddies of the same dream. We had the same dream and we talked about them ever since trainee days. We had the same ambitions. Same plans. Maybe that was why you always told me I was always near your heart. Because we were the same. Because I was your mirror, like you said. But I wasn’t supposed to fall in love. And yet I did.

Do you remember when we discovered that our fans shipped us by OTPs? Then we found out that we were together in one ship and we had so many fans that loved us together. It was weird that time, but we didn’t bother. We even laughed so much about it. You teased and told me you liked it, and we just laughed it off. We were so close that the fans liked us together in a whole different way.

I wasn’t supposed to like that but, still, I did.

Maybe you’re thinking I’m creepy. Or disgusting. Or maybe you’re so angry right now that you won’t even finish reading this. I don’t know. Will I be able to know? I don’t know. There are so many things that I don’t know and I’m scared.

If I was a girl, and we met in a different time, in a different place, in a different situation… will you even like me, Chanyeol?

I think that doesn’t matter, because everything’s like this now. It’s a mess. I’m a mess. And I think I’m messing you up. I’m messing our friendship up. Because that’s what I did when I reasoned out that I just missed my mom when you saw me crying on the balcony one night, the day when SMEnt released my fake dating scandal. You asked me if it was real, and all I did was lie. I told you it was, and that I was crying because I was scared what others will think if I dated. You were there for me the whole night, but little did you know that I was crying because it was never someone else, but you, that I loved. I messed us up when I lied to you about having a cold and fever all night long when you found me wasted with swelling eyes the morning after you had your very first onscreen kiss. It was such a small thing to cry about, but that alone made me realize that it was impossible for you to look at me differently. You jokingly accused me of not watching your movie and cried instead, but you didn’t know that I watched it and saw with my very own eyes the painful reality that I would never look good beside you. I messed us up when I used our fans shipping us too much as an excuse when I got away from you for several days. When I even used the only hope that I had that some people will accept me for you and told you it was our fans that were making me uncomfortable beside you. You even said sorry in behalf of them, but you were oblivious to the fact that it was them whom I was holding on to because they liked me. And I messed us up when I fell for the fan service that you did with me. That those looks, stares, smiles, laughter and care were nothing but a bunch of publicity and, if not, an instinct that you were to protect me because I was your friend.

I have so much more to tell you, and that is because I messed us up so many times. But I better not.

And now I’m writing you a letter, probably because besides the fact that no one else knew my situation, I badly wanted to pour my feelings out, in any way, so I could at least cope up and prevent myself from drowning with all my faults against you. I badly wanted to tell you how much I’ve wronged you, and that I’m sorry because I couldn’t even do anything to stop them from piling up.

I would understand if you would hate me. Or hurt me. Or end the only relationship that we have. It’s the best way so you could feel at ease. And it’s the best way to make it easier for me to sink in to my brain that I loving you was wrong. I loving you is wrong.

I heard you’re liking someone already. I heard that person was someone close to you. I heard you liked that person for a long time. When will you tell me your plans? When will you tell me her name? When will you ask me for help?

I hope you tell me soon, Park Chanyeol. The pills are waiting for me. And I couldn’t let them wait.

-bbh

-fin-