Chanbaek Paragraphs

👑The Open Letter (Part Two)👑

People write because no one listens.

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To the person that wasn’t supposed to fall in love with me;

I hope you’re not mad at me.

I can’t even call you by your name. Or greet you like I usually do. You were obviously trying to ignore me, and I wanted to know if I did anything wrong. I’m sorry, Baek. It was because of me, all along, right?

I know. I’m a coward. I had let the problem between us go bigger without me doing anything about it. Asking you what the matter was was very simple. It was the only answer so we could fix anything that has gotten between us, and yet I didn’t do it.

I was scared to know the reason why, Baekhyun. That’s why I didn’t bother asking. That’s why I let you be. And suddenly I wanted to change my decision. I should’ve just talked to you. I should’ve just asked you. But thing is, I couldn’t even look at you without feeling guilty. Because I didn’t try to tell you how much you should know that you’re worth it. I know you always looked at yourself so lowly, and that you don’t trust yourself that you are worthy of anything. And I always tried to tell you you are worth everything. You know the reason why?

I’m actually in love with you, Baekhyun. I’m sorry I didn’t have the guts to tell you that. But we were bestfriends. We promised to be by each other’s side until the end. I was the one who initiated us to do such promise. And that was because I couldn’t afford to lose you. You never trusted yourself that you think you didn’t deserve anything. And I was always there to say you are special. Because you really are. We were inseparable. We always saved each other. And I always treated you special.

But this happened. Chanyeol happened.

I didn’t expect to love you like this. We should love each other as best friends, that’s what people expected us to do. That’s what people expected me to do. We had the same dreams. We were so similar. And maybe, besides many other things, those were another bunch of reasons why I loved you unexpectedly. That was why I always told you you were always near my heart. Because we were the same. Because you were my reflection. But I wasn’t expected to fall in love. And yet I did.

Do you remember when we discovered that our fans shipped us? Then we found out that we have this ship and we had so many supporters that loved us together. It was weird at first. We laughed so much about it. I told you I liked it, but you just laughed. I was trying to actually tell you I liked you, but cowardice ate me when you reacted like that, so I just laughed along. I don’t even know that time if you liked me too. So I just settled on that OTP for the mean time.

I wasn’t supposed to hide the truth. You deserved to know everything. But, still, I did.

Maybe you’re thinking of me as an idiot. Or a jerk. Or maybe you’re angry that you would hate me forever. I don’t know. I don’t even think I will be able to know. There are so many things that I still don’t know and now I wouldn’t get the answers that I want.

But I wanted you to know that even if you weren’t a girl, and we didn’t meet in a different time, in a different place, in a different situation… I would still fall for you, Baekhyun.

But I think that doesn’t matter now. Everything’s ruined. And it was my fault. I started ruining everything when I found you crying on the balcony one night, the day when the company released your dating scandal. You reasoned out that you just missed your mom. But then I asked you if the news was real, and you finally told me that you were crying because you were scared what others will think of you after that. I accompanied you the whole night, and all throughout I convinced myself that I should just be happy for your new found love. I ruined us when I said I liked my leading lady in that movie, and when I teased you about not supporting my show just because you had a cold and fever, instead of saying how much I missed you because I was busy for a long time. That I was sorry I wasn’t able to take care of you when you got sick. I badly wanted to tell you that it was you who I was thinking about when they asked me to act so in love, but I was scared that that would freak you out. When you told me our fans were making you uncomfortable beside me, I wanted to just tell you that I didn’t care. I said sorry in their behalf, but deep inside I just wanted to thank them because they gave me hope that I would have someone to hold on to if ever you loved me back. And when I tried to show you my feeling through actions in our every fan service, that those looks, stares, smiles, laughter and everything were all because your bestfriend loves you, I ruined everything.

I wanted to tell you more, but I don’t think you would hear me.

And now I’m writing back, probably because I badly wanted to let my feelings out, just like what you did, so I could lessen this pain of regret that I have in my heart. I badly wanted to tell you how much I regret that I had let every opportunity slide. I’m sorry because I didn’t tell you even when I had the chance for so many times.

Now I understand why you hated yourself. Why you were hurting. And why you chose to end our relationship that’s left. It’s the best way so you could rest your heart. And it’s the best way to make it easier for me to sculpt in my heart that I was that coward who let his love walk away.

I said I was liking someone. I said that person was someone close. I said I liked that person for a long time. But I didn’t tell you my plans. I didn’t tell you her name. I didn’t ask you for help.

Because you were that person that I was pertaining to. I was just about to tell you I love you, Byun Baekhyun. But the sleeping pills were waiting for you. And I was slow enough because I hadn’t stopped you for not letting them wait.

-pcy

-fin-