Chanbaek Paragraphs

🌟5/20🌟

Dear Hyung,

May 20 of two years ago...

Do you still remember it?

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To: 루한

5/20/20**

Dear Hyung,

I know you're enjoying your life and so I didn't want to bother you. I'm sorry for even making this letter, it's just that I can't take it anymore. I need to tell you something.

I need you to know that the moment I laid my eyes upon you, I started to believe that I can still be better again. That you inspired me and all. That I am so thankful I became your best friend.

Thank you for choosing me, hyung.

I also wanna say sorry for bothering you whenever I try to be with you. It's just that, it's always a bad timing and I didn't even realize that those times were supposed to be your quality time with your other friends. I'm sorry for that.

I wonder hyung, are you even curious about what I would want to tell you? Or... Are you mad at me because I bother you with this shit I want to confess?

I hope I can know what you feel. But maybe I will never know it. Ever.

Exactly two years ago, you asked me if we could hide our friendship.

"Can you act like you don't know me? Will you please, Sehun? My friends might leave me if they would know that I know you."

That's what you said.

Of course I was shocked at first. Who wouldn't, right? My best friend asked me to act like we don't know each other.

I don't know but... that sounded absurd to me.

But of course I would try to understand you. As long as I could, I will understand you.

And you told me your reason anyway. We needed to do it because you were afraid that your "new" friends would abandon you if they would know that you have me (whom they think is worthless and a nerd) as a friend. And you were afraid that they would hurt me, too.

So of course, I said yes. Because that's how you're important to me, hyung. That's how much I value you. You're one of the few reasons that make me happy. Of course I would do anything for you, hyung.

But I won't deny the fact that I got hurt, not just on that specific day, but until now. Because that's the time when I needed you the most. Because that exact date, May 20 of two years ago, was the time my doctor told me that I only have 1, 051, 200 minutes left. My expiry date was near, hyung. I only have two years to be with you. And yeah, today's my last day. I was really hoping you would agree when I asked you to stay with me for the whole day earlier.

But heck, you said you're busy. I forgot, I'm sorry. I forgot that you will be going out with "them".

I forgot that you asked me to hide our friendship.

It hurts, but it's okay...

Because I am not regretting anything. Cause I know I made you happy. As long as I'm useful to you, hyung.

Hyung, do you know that I've never said what I want to say to you to anyone, even in front of myself? That is because when I say those words to you, I want it to be the first time I would say it out loud. Even to myself.

But that idea would be useless. That would be useless. Because you know what, hyung, you wouldn't know what I would say. Ever.

And now, I'm asking three wishes from you.

First, I want you to totally forget that I have something to say to you.

Don't bother to know what I would want to say. Because I won't tell you, anyway.

Not anymore.

My second wish is this; hyung, will you please just think that this letter of mine was written just to let myself to bid goodbye to you?

Don't ever think that I made this because I want to say something to you, will you? I MADE THIS BECAUSE I AM BIDING MY GOODBYE. Please just think of it like that.

Lastly, hyung, please... please. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself and I'll wait for you. I promise.

I hope that you would be happy without me, though I don't know if I would be happy without you.

I...

I...

I...

Never mind.

I would always be your best friend, hyung. I'll always watch you from heaven.

Sincerely yours,

오 세훈

-fin-