sander sides oneshots [slow updates]

memories [moxiety]

tw. panic attack, mention of self harm, slight cursing

expect lots of upcoming angst.

virgil sighed loudly, flopping down onto the couch. his roomate and boyfriend were off, picking things up for a party they were throwing. virgil decided not to go with them and deeply regretted it five minutes after they left.

he could have always texted or called them and they would have happily came back for him but he didn't want to bother them. so he sighed and got up again, wanting to tidy up to keep himself busy.

he went around the apartment, picking up garbage, sweeping, vacuuming, moping and dusting. once he was done that he decided to orginize some of the cabinets.

virgil didn't know much about logan's job except that he had irregular hours since he was a doctor and he had tons of medical things from when he was studying.

virgil smiled at the memories of him being logan's test dummy. they had so much fun back then. logan didn't do that anymore though, and virgil was kind of glad that he didn't have to draw blood for logan everyday anymore. he picked up a tube and shook it to see if anything was in it. it was a low rattle, whatever was in there, there would be no possibile way that there was two of it.

he popped the cap open to see if they really needed it when he saw a bloody razor.

he let out a shakey sigh and took the razor out, observing it. he was one and a half years clean. he remembered why the razor was in there..

/flashback/
virgil looked as patton flushed his razors, he wanted to get better but cutting was the only way to shut up the voices inside his head.

what patton didn't know is that there still was a razor in his back pocket. he had it tucked behind his phone so patton wouldn't notice.

his boyfriend turned to him, blinking away the tears in his eyes. "was that all of them?" he asked, looking into virgil's eyes as he held his arms in a comforting way.

"yes." virgil said with ease. patton didn't realize he was lying and pulled virgil into a hug. virgil hugged him back and cried on his shoulder.

it was a few minutes later they pulled away, both smiling sadly. "i should probably start dinner." virgil said, sighing.

patton nodded. "yeah, need help?" patton asked. virgil shook his head and began to walk to the kitchen. patton stayed with him the whole time though. once patton left to go to the bathroom, virgil quickly hid the razor in a small container for later.
------

virgil looked down at his legs, where all his scars are. his mind for the first time in months screamed at him to relapse.

patton already thinks you're disgusting! this will change nothing! now go into the bathroom and cut yourself.

virgil dropped the container and slid down to the floor, gripping at his hair. tears ran down his face as his breathing sped up. he felt like he was trapped in a small box and he curled up, trying to regulate his breathing on his own.

after a while, he heard the front door open. he got up and ran to patton, throwing his arms around his boyfriend. he sobbed into patton's shoulder, not caring who saw him at that moment.

"oh, v, baby. calm down. shh. do you remember your breathing exercise? can you do them for me?" patton had walked over to the couch, sitting virgil down as he rubbed his back.

virgil finally calmed down aftee quite a while. "what happened?" patton asked, pulled out of the hug and looking at virgil.

"i-i found my old razor and almost relapsed." virgil said in a small voice. "fuck, i'm so weak!"

"no. no you're so strong. you said almost meaning you didn't actually relapse. and that is far from weak. i'm so proud of you, but how about we go flush that razor, hm?"

virgil nodded, smiling as he sniffled a little. the two got up and did exactly that.

"where is logan?" virgil asked, realizing logan wasn't around.

"well, he got caught up with someone, uh emile picani i think, but they're also a doctor, and they were just bonding i guess. i just left him at the mall."

virgil laughed, "i think i'm rubbing off on you."

"oh no, i guess i'll just have to take over the world with you now?" patton joked.

virgil smiled and leaned down slightly to kiss patton. "world domination sounds pretty good with you."

fun fact, i once had a panic attack and someone calmed me down by mr meekseeks. i love rick and morty and i can't wait to be accepted into harvard

also thanks for 10k reads and 750 votes!

769 words