I woke to Sabrina's arms wrapped tightly around me. Sadly, I don't feel any better than before I fell asleep. Still the same feeling in me.
I grabbed my book from my nightstand and flipped through it, with the intention of writing again. I went back to the page that I was working on, but saw Sabrina's message at the bottom of it.
She looked through my journal.
That is the one thing that I never anyone to look through. I don't need anyone knowing about what I think about. How much did she read? I flipped to the page before it. Luckily, that was the only other page she looked at.
She would be disappointed in me if she knew that I did it again. I looked back at the message that she left. I sighed.
"You can say it's not my fault, but it still feels like it is." I said quietly, and Sabrina's grip tightened a little more.
I turned around and she opened her eyes. "What I did to myself isn't your fault at all. I need you to understand that." She said softly. "Don't blame yourself for everything bad that happens."
"How much of my journal did you read?"
"Two pages." I sighed in relief. "Okay. I just needed to know."
"Why are you wearing longsleeves? It's hot." She asked, taking off her shirt.
"It's cold in here." I said, pulling the covers up over me. "Besides, I've grown accustomed to having longsleeves on. I like it."
"Are you comfortable?" She asked, and I nodded.
"Great, because we need to talk." She said, seriously.
"If it's about anything in my journal, I'm not talking about it." I said, sternly.
"Why not?"
"What is written in my journal, stays in my journal." I said.
"Why won't you let me into your head? Tell me what you think about." She asked, running her hand through her hair.
"You read the last page. That's what I think about." I said, gesturing to my book.
"Why do you blame yourself when something happens to me?" She asked.
"I just do." I shrugged and messed with my nail polish on my fingernails.
Because usually it feels like it is my fault...
"You're not telling me something. I tell you everything. Why won't you tell me everything?" She asked, crossing her arms.
I shook my head. "You don't tell me everything."
"Yes I do."
"You do? Why did you stop taking your medicine before we went to Toronto?"
"Why do you keep asking me that? It was a couple months ago and I take it now. Let it go." She said.
"So you want to know everything that I've kept from you, but you won't tell me this one thing?"
"You want to know why? It's because I got tired of people calling me a freak! That's why I didn't tell Rowan. That's why she still doesn't know. I wanted to be normal like everyone else, so I stopped. No matter the consequences because I got tired of people judging me." She said, biting onto her lip to keep from sobbing.
"You're not a freak and you are normal. You should have told someone. Your family could have helped you. Anyone would have helped you." I held her in my arms.
"I just wanted to handle something on my own for once. I didn't want anyone's help. I didn't need anyone's help. I wasn't going to ask for anyone's help."
