Man - y.kh

two.

My next crisis came when I needed to hide. Every angsty teen hides in the bathroom, no? It's hard to do that when you pass for both and everyone is always asking you where you're going the moment you choose the one you think you can get away with. So, I went with the second-best cliché. I ran to the staircase that allowed us access to the roof. As I began my ascent, my breathing pattern change sent me back to a memory I thought I buried.

"Mama," my voice echoed. "Why don't you care anymore?"

The look on her face spoke plenty of volumes. "I loved him, Sora. I really did." Why the fuck was she mentioning that bastard? "Did you lie on him to justify this little butch change?" The audacity...

I dropped my glass on the kitchen floor, soda spilling everywhere. "You really think I made up a damn lie just so I would have a reason to get rid of my feminine body? Mama, you raised an honest child, why the fuck would I lie?" My mother really told me that she thought I lied about a serious thing. Some serious shit.

"I didn't raise an honest child, apparently." I knew what was coming. "Look at you. Lying to everyone about your gender? You are masquerading as a damn boy, what's honest about that? Who's to say you didn't lie about him?"

As I began to choke back tears, my body began to shake as well. "Fuck him. Fuck that sick fucking bastard!" My face was greeted with a hard slap to my cheek.

Mama glared into my eyes when I looked back at her. "He's not sick. You just needed an excuse to change and an excuse to hate men."

I scoffed. "An excuse? I don't hate men, I hate me." I snapped my binder at my ribs. "I hate that I have to wear this to make me feel happy with myself. I hate that I have these weights on my goddamn chest. I hate that my hair grows way too long way too quickly. Why? Because I should be a goddamn guy. I am not a girl, stop fucking calling me Sora. Sora died the moment you put me in those fucking church dresses. I know my father was a fucking deacon, but Jesus doesn't care what you wear to church, and every time I left the congregation to go to the bathroom? I was bawling my eyes out. I hated wearing them. I am not a damn girl! I don't want boobs; I don't want a vagina. Everything about me is fucking wrong, Mama." I took a breath, looking at my hands. "And I don't hate men. I hate that man," I shrugged, leaving the kitchen.

I was snapped out of my memories greeted by a tall, lanky guy that was in my class.

"Oh shit, sorry. I didn't know anyone was up here." He was in a leather jacket, hair messy yet styled, and swooped back. The image of a bad boy. But his demeanor was nice and sweet.

I shrugged. "It's fine. There's plenty of room for two." I was more worried about how the rest of my teachers would deal with me. Would they all just out me like that?

The boy clears his throat for a second. "Do you, um, do you mind if I smoke?" He was being really considerate of me. I found that to be odd. I shook my head, secluding myself in my corner of the roof. "I'm Hyungwon," he smiled softly, pulling out a blunt.

"Cool." I wasn't trying to be mean; I was just on edge. Hyungwon took off his jacket before lighting up, I assume to keep the smell off it. I began to focus on him to avoid my own downward spiral. As he began smoking, he visibly relaxed. It piqued my interest. "Hey, Hyungwon," I said, calling out to him. He turned around and dropped his hand so that he didn't get the smoke in his clothes too much. "Lemme take a hit or two." I stood up, walking toward him.

Hyungwon scoffed. "Get lost. You don't want to even start with this."

I rolled my eyes. "It wouldn't be the first time," I sighed. "Just three or four hits. That's all." Hyungwon thought about it for a bit before handing the blunt over. I smiled softly before taking a long, deep drag, allowing the smoke to inflate my lungs instead of the clean oxygen. It almost took only that one hit to keep me pinned to the ceiling.

"Holy shit," Hyungwon chuckled. "Never seen a girl take that much in one hit."

I glared up at him before taking another insanely long drag. As I exhaled that one, I laughed a bit to myself. "Not a girl, dude," I continued with another puff before handing it back over. Hyungwon was kind of taken aback. "I mean, haha... I am not like other girls. You're kinda cute." My hands began to roam all over this guy I barely knew.

Hyungwon grabbed my hands. "Wait a minute, baby." He was more tolerant of his high than I was, swaying with me, even though I was the only one swaying. "What's your name?"

Fuck. I literally came out to him and then backed it up because he seemed freaked out. If we continued being friends, or even more, he would eventually know about Sora. He would be around for extreme dysphoric episodes; it wouldn't take long for him to know. And it would take even less time for him to leave or turn my gender into a kink. "Sohyun..." I said.

All of that was my high and me not being able to choose whether I wanted to keep him around or not. As cliché as it sounds, something just drew me to this guy. With how nice he's been to me too? It felt like he was going to protect me, even if he hates the fact that I am transgender. But I also could not bring myself to tell him yet. I didn't really lie either way... Sora is my dead name, Kihyun is my name. It just came out together. "Well, let's get you out of here." It took me a second to realize I had tried to kiss him again. He pulled me into a hug and began walking down the fire escape with me.

The next thing I knew, we were in his car. And that's where everything took a turn for the worse. I leaned forward in the passenger's seat, leaning into my lap. I began to panic. I have never done well in cars with only one other person. "No wait, stop..." I whispered. It was obvious that he didn't hear me. "Stop the fucking car!" I screamed, a frequency I haven't reached in a while. Hyungwon almost slammed on the brakes out of shock. He pulled over and put in his hazard lights. Before he could even say anything, I got out of the car, walking away from him, not looking back.

That is until I heard the tires roll up behind me.