Man - y.kh

nineteen.

Hyungwon tried calling me back, but I couldn't answer. "Kihyun, you have to breathe. I'll tell him to stop calling for right now but you gotta breathe."

I nodded, "Please. I-I can't talk to him." Changkyun nodded, texting Hyungwon for me. "What am I gonna do?" I asked.

Jooheon piped up a bit. "Did you and Hyungwon...?" He didn't want to ask.

I shook my head. "It's not his. It's Abraham's." If it was Hyungwon's, the choice would be the easiest. This wasn't a hard decision, but my heart thought about the big picture. "I don't know what to do. Not only do I not want Abraham's child, this is fucking with my dysphoria hard. But at the same time... I can't kill it."

Changkyun sighed a bit. "It hasn't breathed yet, Kihyun." That quickly upset me.

"It has a fucking heartbeat!" I yelled. I took a deep breath, wiping my tears. "Morning sickness happens like a month in, and a heart beat is at 18 days... It has a heartbeat." I couldn't do this by myself.

Abortion was always my last option. I knew sooner or later this was going to happen to me. The pill made me sick, I hated shots, I didn't want an IUD, I didn't plan on having a uterus for long. I attempted Nexplanon and it was giving me jaundice. Changkyun and I always had this conversation when we used to fool around. "Kihyun, this isn't good for you. Nine months from now, you don't want to be taking care of his kid. And nine months from now, motherly instincts would kick in and you wouldn't dare part from your kid. And with everything you deal with now, I forsee you killing yourself postpartum. You can't handle this, I'm sorry to say it, but you can't."

I began to think back to the conversations we held when we were younger. Talking about this same situation, except with more care and affection. "Wait," I whispered, sitting up to straddle him. "What if I get pregnant?" It was my biggest fear at that point. I didn't know who I was exactly and I was scared that having a baby would destroy me.

"What would you do?" Changkyun asked, holding my waist. "I could tell you what I'd do or choose, but it's not my body. It's yours."

I scoffed. "Yeah, and it's the wrong one at that." I hopped off to the side, laying next to him. "If I got pregnant, I don't care the circumstance, I wouldn't want to abort it. That's my absolute last choice." I looked up at the ceiling. "Since I blackout so much, especially when the bus's predator of the month comes for me, I won't recognize them. I won't look at my child and see their face. But, what about my dysphoria?" Changkyun sighed softly.

"That's... Where my, almost invalid, opinion comes in." He held my hand, keeping me safe. "I wouldn't want you to deal with it. You're pretty sure about who you are, how you feel. And I don't want it to hurt you. Now, if you go through transitioning, I'd think you would freeze your eggs, but I don't think you would survive nine months, carrying a child. I just don't see it for you."

That conversation was always in the forefront of my mind. "I want my boyfriend," I whispered, taking my phone and going upstairs.

I called Hyungwon and curled up in bed with his shirt. "Kihyun, sorry. I didn't mean to hound you." He sighed softly. "I'll be home shortly. Police deemed the entire thing as self defense. I just have to take antibiotics. We can talk then?" I nodded, smiling a little bit. I was still upset, but to know he was coming home, free... My other concern was gone. I decided just to take a nap, waiting for Hyungwon to come back.

I woke up to Hyungwon sinking down in bed next to me. "You smell like a hospital," I groaned, turning and wrapping my arms around his waist. "I don't know what to do, Hyungwon. I don't want this baby. I really don't. Not this one." Hyungwon kissed my cheek softly, the water faucet in my eyes turning on again. "I took... Three tests to make sure. Three different brands. Each of them said the same damn thing and I swear to God, I died a little more every time a positive came up."

Hyungwon sighed a bit, wiping my tears. "I don't think you'll like what I'll say. But I have to say it." I was expecting a harsh statement in support of terminating it. His answer made me instantly dizzy. "I don't like the idea of abortion. And, being in the system, I hate the idea of adoption." Suddenly, I felt trapped again. Still, all by Abraham.

"Y-You aren't saying what I think you are..." I opened my eyes to look him in the eye. His gaze was serious. "Oh my fucking God, you are." Somehow, his input made the decision easier and clearer. "No. Fuck no." I got out of bed. "Hyungwon, you fucking killed that man. He doesn't deserve to live on, especially with me taking care of it. And if you even begin to infer that this was all my fault, I oughta slit your fucking throat." I felt it coming.

Hyungwon sat up. "Where was the birth control? You knew he wasn't going to stop unless he died."

I sat in disbelief. He really was going there. "First of all, my body is damn near allergic to all long term forms of birth control. Second of all, it really sounds like you're telling me to prepare for rape. It literally sounds like you're telling me to prepare." I shook my head.

He shrugged a bit. "Little too late for that, isn't it?"

I was getting irritated ever so quickly. "Hyungwon. This would be so fucking different if I fucked you. If this baby was yours, there's no way in Hell I'd be at this crossroads." I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm down. "Do you want a baby? We can have a baby. But not this one. You wanna know why? This baby will look like Abraham, with his different colored eyes. Mine are brown, yours are brown, our kid would have eyes that are most likely brown. His eyes were blue. It's a half and half chance that this baby would have blue eyes. Then they'd learn about heredity. Find out that their father was a rapist, would live life knowing they were a rape baby, feeling that constant weight of being a mistake or not being made from love. I can't look at this child and know it came from hatred, control, abuse. I won't." After my speech, I rubbed my eyes a bit. "I will not, look that baby in the face. I will not give my body to Abraham for nine more fucking months. We can have our own kids. Hyungwon, how many do you fucking want? This isn't your child and you know that. And this is my body, and it's my choice." I opened my bedroom door, turning around for a second. "Hate me if you want to, leave me if you want to, take back this fucking necklace if you want it. I'm getting an abortion. This is not a baby that's going to be born." I started to leave before unbearable pain had me doubled over, screaming out.

Hyungwon got up, pulling me back to bed. "Kihyun..." He kissed my forehead softly. "There was no way in fucking Hell I was going to let you go through with that. As cruel as it is, I wanted to stress you out. I wanted you to yell at me. I wanted you to get pissed off." Hyungwon went to my drawer, grabbing a pair of boyshorts and a maxi pad. "Let me go get a towel."

I began to cry again. Part of it was from pain, the other part of it was extreme relief. When Hyungwon came back, he tended to me in all totality. "Thank you," I mumbled. Hyungwon smiled a little bit, pulling me into a hug as he crawled back into bed. "Is it over?" I asked.

Hyungwon sighed softly. "Hopefully, baby. Hopefully."