Man - y.kh

eighty-three.

It took me far too long to get Benji down the other night. His anxiety was off the chain. After he had his accident and Minhyuk finally got Hyungwon to leave, I gave him a bath and then made him another snack. He didn't want his applesauce at all, he just played with it. Benji was so sad, just staring at it. "Ki? No feel good." He whimpered from the table. I came from the kitchen to see him breathing heavily.

"It's okay, Bubba." I rubbed his back softly and kissed his forehead. He almost headbutted my chin when he flew forward to throw up on the table. "Oh God," I reached for a napkin, wiping his face off. "Aww, baby... are you sick?" I held my hand to his face, but he wasn't hot. This was his anxiety taking him for a ride.

He just cried really hard. "Daddy hurt Ki... Daddy love Ki. He hurt me?" Again, this kid broke my fucking heart. He wanted to know if Hyungwon would hurt him, because he hurt me even though he said he loved me. Hyungwon is fucking up Benji's life now too and it's fucking insane. It's like I can't trust one fucking person except me.

Benji ended up in my bed, restless as all get out. He was so worried about everything, and eventually he just stopped talking to me. A huge step backwards for everything we'd worked toward. Once he fell asleep, I broke down to cry again. I picked up my phone to call Minhyuk, but he beat me to the punch. "Min?" I answered, crying so hard.

"What's wrong?" He asked. "Is everything okay?"

I shook my head, soon realizing we weren't on FaceTime. "No. How did your mom do this?" I asked. "She split her heart up into three parts and I know each of your had to have broken it at one point or another. This isn't even my kid and my heart is just cracked wide open for him. I don't want him to leave me, period. I'm scared for him to leave just as much as he is, if not more. I don't fucking trust him anymore, Minhyuk. I wish I did. I wish I never looked at his phone. I want Hyungwon back. Not what he's become, him. Because this is not Hyungwon. The most he ever smoked was weed. Just weed. I don't know what he was on, but it took him away from me. Hell, I'm not even the one who needs him. It took him from Benji."

I hadn't realized I wasn't breathing until I began hyperventilating after I shut up. "He's talking with Mom right now because he's so fucked up, Kihyun. He was with Wonho, shooting up in the park. With a girl too. He hasn't been the same since Mom overdosed but he's acting like she tried to kill herself and acting like he's lost all sense of who this strong woman was. You know when you go to a therapist and they help you ease your suicidal tendencies, and then they make an attempt themselves and it's like your world you created for yourself is fully fake?" I paused before answering, noticing Benji toss in his sleep.

"Daddy, leave Ki! Leave him..." he was shaking, and I had to wake him up.

I snaked my arm under him softly. "Hold on, Min, did you hear him?" Minhyuk confirmed as I started to wake him up. "Bubba, it's Ki. I'm okay. Daddy didn't hurt me. Daddy left me." Having to reassure him I was fine was slowly breaking me down.

"So what did you decide?" Minhyuk asked. I couldn't make out any of the words but I was struggling to wake Benji, so I wasn't paying full attention anyways. "Okay so if you go, I hope you know none of us are fucking coming. Everything we say goes in one ear and out the other, we will only be a distraction for you." I guess Hyungwon was deciding on somewhere to go. I stood up, turning on the light. "Bro, what the fuck do you mean? Mari literally saw you, you're not going to get him back like that. You might as well sign over your fucking rights. Kihyun's the only motherfucking fighting for that kid the way they should be. We all had faith in you, and you fucking trashed it, Hyungwon. You trashed every expectation we had of you. And the way you think fucking scares people. Me, Jooheon, Kihyun, we love you but fuck dude. You need help. So what's it gonna be? Get help and maybe get your kid back? Or fight for your kid while you're literally not fit to be a parent and then losing all your rights to him. You fucking choose."

I shook my head, rolling my eyes. Benji finally let me pick him up. I took him to the living room and he let me rock him in the recliner. "Wanna watch cartoons, Bubba?" He nodded sadly as I turned on his favorite. The call disconnected a while ago, but I didn't feel like calling him back. I just wanted to focus on my son. He was just as much my son as he was Hyungwon's. Like Minhyuk said, I'm the only one fighting for him the way we should be.

Those words stayed on my mind for the next few days. Benji had gotten more comfortable, ready to be in his room again. A knock on the door interrupted me cleaning up. I opened the door to see Mari. "Hey Kihyun," she sighed. I invited her to sit down, putting my towel down. "So, you were right about Hyungwon, unfortunately."

My head fell slightly, feeling shitty for being right anyway. "So, what's happening? What's he doing? What am I supposed to do?" I asked.

"Well, you are Benji's godfather. You're able to have temporary custody over him. Hyungwon is considering his options." I nodded a bit, taking a deep breath.

I didn't know what to do at this point. "He's... how am I so bad at sensing danger, Mari? I couldn't see Changkyun coming. I didn't see Hyungwon coming. I took him back, at every single fucking chance. And he showed his ass multiple times. And I still..." It was at this point that my heart finally broke for me. "God, I'm so fucking stupid!" I screamed.

Mari came up behind me and hugged me tightly. "I don't do this for anyone, Kihyun. So listen to me when I tell you that you're not stupid." She laid her head on mine as I leaned forward, bawling my eyes out. "You have such a big heart, a heart of fucking gold. And you choose to see the good in people. You pick everyone else up and put them back together, even when it breaks you apart. That's not stupidity. You just haven't learned to truly prioritize yourself." I nodded a bit, still not calming down. "But, you do have Benji now. So you have to prioritize both of you. For the both of you."

Shortly after I stopped crying, my phone rang. "Hell-" I couldn't even blink before Minhyuk was screaming at me. It was intelligible for a hot second. "Min, slow down. What's going on?" I asked.

"Kihyun!" Minhyuk screamed. "He's not fucking waking up! Jooheon, get Mama. Hurry up! Oh my fucking God. Hyungwon, stop fucking with me!" He was in hysterics and I knew this was serious this time. But why couldn't I bring myself to care? I only cared because he was affecting the people I loved. "Mama's not here? Kid, call 911 right fucking now. I swear to God, Hyungwon. You were going to get better! We talked about this. Wake the fuck up!"

I sighed, looking at Mari. "Can I trust you to watch my kid? He's sleeping in his room right now, sounds like there's trouble with Hyungwon. Whatever you do, do not tell him." Mari nodded, shooing me off. "Min? I need you to stop screaming. Did Joo call for help?"

His breathing was ragged. I was almost sure he was the one dying. "Yeah," he gasped out. "Where are you going?" I hadn't decided.

"Joo doesn't need a hospital. He's better, but he still struggles. And it's always fucking Hyungwon. I'll meet him at the house. You follow the ambulance." I didn't know when the right time would be to drop this, but I quickly realized there would never be an opportune time. "And if he comes through, he literally gets no choices. He either gets help or I will take him to court for full custody. I'm tired of playing these games. He needs to learn how the fuck to live."

I hung up with Minhyuk, driving as fast as I could to be by Jooheon's side. I ended up watching the ambulance leave from the direction of the house. When I pulled up, Jooheon was sitting on the porch. "Why the fuck can't this bitch fucking live?" He whimpered, tears springing to his eyes immediately upon seeing me. "Sometimes I envy you, Kihyun. You, even Benji. Everyone pays attention to you guys. How are you guys feeling? Everyone's worried about keeping you guys from being traumatized, but won't help someone with trauma." I sighed a bit, sitting next to him. "You've learned to adapt to trauma. You can do it. I still have yet to get through mine. Everyone thinks I'm fine, I'm doing better. I'm not slitting my fucking wrists, I'm not repeating a dumb fucking safeword. But once you're fine? Someone brings more trauma to you." I tapped my shoulder so Jooheon could lean on me.

As he laid his head on my shoulder, I sighed softly. "I get it, kiddo. I understand. So talk to me." He sniffled, petting Luna. "I got you, buddy." We spent the day there talking until we got an update.