Man - y.kh

eighty-five.

Hyungwon wasn't going to let me walk away without explaining, and I know that. He rolled himself down to the waiting room with me. "Kihyun, I don't give two fucks what you're upset about. I cheated on you, I'm sorry. But that's my kid. I get to know what's going on with him."

I sat down in a chair, holding my head in my hands. "No, you forfeited your rights to him. Get away from me before I roll you right into some motherfucking stairs." I wanted this to end. The fighting, the anger, the hatred, the sadness. My heart may have been made of gold, but gold gets heavy still. I looked up, blinking away the tears that were coming. "I didn't want kids... not as much as you did. You wanted them, I would've adopted them. Just like I have now. You wanted me to give birth to them. You wanted me to give my body up to you and another human or two or three. I was so in love with you and the protection I felt that I would've. I would've done anything you wanted. I would've murdered for you. I almost have." I was tired beyond tired.

"I really didn't cheat on you because she's a female and you're a male. I didn't." Hyungwon defended.

I couldn't believe that. "The more I think about it... Hyungwon, do you know just how much Kyungwon's death is your fault?" We never talked about her. Her life wasn't forgotten and just a distant memory, but he never talked about her. "You knew she was putting herself out there to pay for her transition. You knew she had gotten illegal hormones, counterfeit hormones. You sent her out to get them for me? You knew she was in danger just getting them for herself and for using them on herself. Why did you send your sister out there like that for me? You fucking sacrificed her. And now, none of you even mention anything about her. Nothing reminds you guys of her? Not a song, not a smell, not a color?"

Hyungwon thought about it for a second. "She's in a better place. She wasn't happy." That's all he could say?

"I'm so fucking convinced you just sent her out there so she could get killed. You're not all the way there, buddy. I wouldn't put it past you." Nothing he's shown me of late was accepting of transgender people. Nothing. Or at least of me. "Hyungwon, do you even fucking like or respect me?"

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Kihyun, I love you! Sure, I've made plenty of mistakes, but I love you. So much." He had convinced himself... it was sad really.

I shook my head, sitting up. "Loving me and respecting me are two different things... and one can't exist without the other. So I ask you again." I locked eyes with him. Part of me wanted to give him one more chance to prove it. "Do you respect me?"

"Yoo Kihyun," he looked me in the eyes and took my hands, the rest of his body as stiff as a board. "I love you. I want to grow old with you. I want you. I like you, I love you, I need you." 17-year-old me, the one desperately looking for love and acceptance from anyone who cared enough to share it with me, would have told him we could try again.

I sighed, looking down at our hands. "A year ago, I would've cried and rushed for you to hold me in your arms again, scared that if I left I would find myself in the arms of another devil. A year ago, all I would've asked was if you still loved me. A year ago, those would've been all the right words. I watched my hands pull away from his, steadily as to off out the anxiety and hesitation that was there. "You say all of that, but can't fix your mouth to tell me you respect me. Which tells me that even if you wanted to lie, knowing that's what would make me stay, you can't." I shook my head again. "That's not a relationship that I need. That's not a relationship that you need. And that's not a relationship that we should show Benji. You are in no place for a relationship. You need help. Real help. It is there for you and we can get you that help."

Hyungwon sighed, holding his head in his hands. "Kihyun, I'm too far gone." He had given up before he'd even begun and for that, I felt pity for him.