Man - y.kh

twenty-eight.

"Jooheon!" I called from downstairs. Minhyuk had taken Hyungwon to the doctor's and I was having to deal with a Jooheon going through puberty and a breakdown on top of it. He was being extra defiant and I had to keep my patience. I didn't want to yell at him, ever in my life. But he was testing me more than an entitled child. "Jooheon, come on! We gotta finish your homework. You promised to work on it if I let you stay home today." I began to walk upstairs. "Why is your door closed?" I asked, opening it. "No more closed doors in this house."

Jooheon rolled his eyes. "So when I take a shit and have some time to myself, I've got the door wide open for all of you to see?" He scoffed, returning to his laptop.

"Save the smart ass comments, come do your homework. You're going to want to finish yesterday's homework before Minhyuk comes with your new work." Jooheon wouldn't budge. "What's going on, buddy? You used to talk about anything with me."

Jooheon just shrugged his shoulders. "My sister died, my brother tried to kill himself, my other brother lives with me when I don't want him to... I'm also such a ball of defectiveness, hell I wanna die to."

I shook my head. "No, we aren't going to talk like this. Come downstairs and let's finish your homework." He wasn't budging.

"Oh come on Kihyun... Shit's fucked up for us. You can't tell me you don't hate life and how fucked up it is."

I sighed softly, sitting down next to him on the bed. "Every day, I avoid mirrors because I don't want to see my body. I often wonder if a reset is all I need to make sense of what I've got or what I need. I hate myself enough as it is, without thinking about the shitty things that have happened to me or that I've done. So yes, suicide is always on mind." It felt good to admit it to someone. "But, it's not the answer." Jooheon looked up at me.

And just then, he began to cry and yelling came soon after. "It was the answer for Kyungie! It was the answer for her! So why can't it be the answer for me or you? Hyungwon or Minhyuk? Why was it only the answer for her?" I could hear his broken heart through his yelling.

I shushed him quickly, pulling him into a hug. "There was no recovery for her, Jooheon. She was tired of hurting and she struggled to get back into easy waters. We are able bodied people. We can come back emotionally. We do it all the time."

He shook his head. "Hyungwon can't. He's fucking paralyzed. He's next isn't he? Not my brother... Please, he's next isn't he?" Jooheon began to shake, sending himself into a panic.

"Luna, up." I looked at Luna, getting her attention and having her lay on Jooheon. "Hyungwon's not paralyzed. He just needs help. He can walk, he just needs his cane for right now.  Sweetheart, everything will be better. I swear to you." Jooheon slowly began to calm down.

I heard the front door open and shut. Then it opened again. "Hyungwon, slow down!" Minhyuk groaned, closing the door.

"No!" Hyungwon yelled. I sighed, giving Jooheon his music, before heading downstairs. "She talked to me like I was fucking stupid." He sat on the couch.

Minhyuk sighed. "You kicked a fucking chair at her because you were frustrated. Nothing's going to happen to Jooheon."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What happened?" I asked.

Hyungwon glared at me in a pissy mood. "The truancy officer decided to hold an impromptu fucking intervention when she saw me trying to make the rounds, getting Jooheon's school work. She threatened his placement at that school." He sighed a bit, running his hands through his hair.

"Minhyuk," I started. "Take Jooheon out for dinner and bring us back something as well." He nodded, getting Jooheon out of the house ASAP.

Hyungwon held onto himself, "What'd you do that for?" He asked.

I decided to tell him what we talked about shortly before. "Jooheon needs close watching. He's talking about suicide a lot now and how fucked up life is. And he's scared that you're the next one of us to die." Hyungwon froze slightly. "Baby, we're all he's got. I will do anything to make you happy and help you. But you gotta let me in. You've been angry since Kyungwon died, which is understandable. But you're torturing not only yourself, but me and Jooheon. Hell, even Minhyuk. What do you need?"

Hyungwon slowly broke down into tears. "A lot." I took his hand, sitting next to him. "I want to provide the best for Jooheon and for you. And I can't do that because I decided to put a bullet in my fucking brain." I pulled him into an embrace, quickly trying to diffuse his upset.

"Do you..." All I knew how to do at this point was to offer myself up. "Do you want to take your mind off of all of this?" I asked.

Hyungwon furrowed his eyebrows. "We can't... I can't." He sighed softly, letting go of my hand. "The doctor said it's gonna take a while longer."

I kissed him harshly, leaning into him. Maybe going slow wasn't helping anything. Hyungwon finally relaxed into me. A few moments of kissing later and the front door opens again. "Oh, God!" I sighed, getting off Hyungwon.

"My bad, Hyungwon took my keys to open the front door... And shut the door in my face." Minhyuk walked over to Hyungwon, "Give me my keys."

Hyungwon rolled his eyes. "Fucking take them, asshat." Minhyuk reciprocated the rolling of the eyes as he began to pat Hyungwon down for his keys. He found them in his front pockets.

I saw Hyungwon's eyes widen ever so slightly. "I'll see you later, and lose your bitter fucking attitude or I'll throw your food in the sewer." He gave him a small peck on the forehead before leaving.

I sighed softly. "You're so difficul-" I glanced at Hyungwon and traced the path of his gaze. He was looking down. When he looked up, his face was flushed with the beloved Crayola color of Embarrassed as Fuck Crimson.

"I-I..." He couldn't speak.

But I could. "Nice to know your brother can still get you up instead of me, your boyfriend." I headed off to our bedroom. Maybe I was overreacting. But maybe I wasn't. It was involuntary, but it still did nothing but make me feel like I wasn't enough for Hyungwon. Or even anything at all for him.

I jumped out of my thoughts when I heard Hyungwon struggling to get up the stairs. I rushed out of the bedroom to see him, trying to walk up stairs without his cane helping him. "Kihyun, I'm sorry... But it wasn't him. It was a mix between you and then he just grabbed my keys... And something else. I'm sorry." When I saw his leg give out on him, I quickly made my way down to help him.

"Hey, it's fine." I smiled softly. Grab my arm and let's go... Take care of this little problem, huh?" He smiled a bit accepting my help.