Man - y.kh

thirteen.

"Ki," Hyungwon mumbled. "Come on, you gotta get up. I gotta go to work."

I shrugged him off. "Just go. I'm fine." I looked down at the blanket in my arms.

He sighed, "You told me not to believe you when you said so. It's been a couple days and you haven't moved or eaten." His concern was clear, even though he often hid his emotions.

"I'm fine, really. It's fine. Go to work." Hyungwon didn't want to press me, so he decided to go ahead and go. And I wish he'd listened to what I'd told him the day my mother died. It was September 7th now, and even though I felt fine, I knew it wouldn't last. I was only able to convince myself I was fine for a little while.

It had been a while since Hyungwon left,  and I was finally able to get up. The tear flowed the moment I looked around the room and understood that I was in my late mother's room, I just wanted her back. I was 17 years old, she was only 33 years old. In hindsight, my father was only 19 years old. I guess we just die young. Billy Joel did say only the good die young. Means my parents were good people, that I was a good person. We'd just been through shitty things.

As I made my way to the bathroom, I saw the smeared blood on the tile floor. Hyungwon tried to clean it up, I assumed. I reached into the cabinet I used to place the blades in. Surprisingly, Hyungwon hadn't hidden anything.

I took one out and surveyed it intently. I gingerly ran my thumb across the blade, hissing slightly at the slice. I saw how quickly I began to bleed only through my finger. I took a deep breath, tears just streaming fast. "Mama... I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I wasn't the daughter you wanted. I'm sorry that Sora was taken away from you. But Kihyun was here. But you were taken from me. Too many times."

I heard a voice call my name. "Kihyun... There's a light inside the dark." It was my mother. I could hear her. "The days are long and cold and broken. Filled with scars. I know it ain't to keep moving on. So you can come on home to me." I wanted to feel her embrace. I needed her.

"Mama, I'm tired..." I whispered. I looked at the blade.

She spoke again. "You don't have to stay, Kihyun." I was going insane, wasn't I? "Come take my hand, you've had enough."

I couldn't think about anyone else. I couldn't think about anything else. I just wanted to feel my mom's hug, something I hadn't felt in about eight years. "I'm coming, Mama," I said, sniffling hard. I pressed the edge of the blade into my wrist and almost gagged at the pain. But I knew it was the last thing I'd feel. I dragged that evil piece of metal up my arm, gasping out, hyperventilating from panic and fear. But I knew I'd have nothing to fear anymore. I quickly switched arms, reciprocating my moves to my right arm, lightheadedness coming to stay.

I dropped the blade on the floor, crying and panicking. Suddenly, Hyungwon came into my mind. I wanted him to pull me back. I wanted my mother's love and never got it, and now I yearned for it more. But there was a Hyungwon who protected me more than she ever did. He didn't hesitate to threaten someone's life for me. My mother had her doubts. Hyungwon didn't turn and run when my mother maliciously outted me to him, in an attempt to force me back home with a man who would never stop having his way with me. He quickly called me by my pronouns and never once uttered my dead name. My mother did it until the day she died. I didn't want her, I didn't need her. I wanted Hyungwon... I needed that boy. He saved me many times before, but I didn't think he'd save me this time. And I was terrified, realizing I was dying alone.

So, with my last few breaths, I began screaming for help. "Help me! Someone help me, please! Oh God, somebody! I-I can't get to my phone!" I really couldn't. I glanced down to see how much blood I'd lost. It was like someone dropped a bag of donated blood on the floor and within two minutes, it looked like two bags had been dropped.