Man - y.kh

eighty-seven.

He doesn't understand that he was truly the glue of the family. Usually, it's the matriarch. Ms. Lee would have typically been the glue. But she wasn't. She wasn't the binding to the group. It was Hyungwon.

I came up to his room and the walls on both sides of his room were lined with people. Mari, Wonho, Shownu... faces I hadn't recognized. Wonho was holding a paper, reading and crying. I watched him slide down the wall, hysterical. As I approached, Mari pointed me into the room. "Jaesung is with Benji."

I walked into his room, it was darker than it usually is. I really just said "usually." Jooheon and Minhyuk were at his sides as they turned to look at me. "My mother and my brother." Minhyuk whimpered. I slowly approached the end of his bed, my heart beating so fast I thought it was about to explode.

"My rock and my everything," Jooheon sobbed, tears never ceasing.

I couldn't say anything. Not yet. It hadn't sunk in that he was gone. He was hooked up to everything, he had to still be alive. I turned to look at the sink in the room. A clipboard sat on the counter. I walked forward to see what was written on the papers there. "It's time we do what he wants, Kihyun."

I refused to believe that. "Move." I stated firmly. When neither of them acted, I had to get louder."Minhyuk, fucking move." I felt bad that I made Jooheon jump. Minhyuk backed up just enough for me to get through. "I love you," I whispered. "I love you. I love you!" I leaned down to kiss his cheek. He usually woke up when I did that. "I love you! Hyungwon, I love you!" I shook him roughly. He wasn't waking up. "Hyungwon! Hyungwon, baby... Benji needs you. I need you! Hyungwon!"

Minhyuk grabbed me, wrapping his arms tightly around me. "Kihyun, he's gone. He's gone." No. No he wasn't.

"Hyungwon! I'm sorry! I know you love me. I know you care. Y-You always take it out on yourself when you hurt me. I-I can take it. Baby, wake up. Come on!" I cried a cry I haven't cried since my mother died. "Hyungwon!" I hit at his arm. I'll take him, God. Everything about him. His anger, his sadness, I'll get him off the drugs. "God, I want everything he is. I'll take everything he is. Just give him back to me! Please! I'll never leave him again. Give him back to me! Please!" I didn't think I cared.

I felt another pair of arms around me, but Jooheon had backed up into the corner. "Kihyun," Wonho shushed me. "Minhyuk, go sign them."

He let Wonho hold onto me. They knew he was stronger. "No!" I screamed. "No! Don't fucking touch them! Please, God! Give him back to me! Give him back, give him back, give him back! Hyungwon, I love you, please! I'll come back to you, just come back to me please..." I turned to see Minhyuk, pen in hand. I watched in horror as he started writing on the papers. With that continuous line drawn to form his name, Minhyuk ended Hyungwon's life.

"Shh," Wonho whispered, running one of his hands over my head. "It's gonna be okay, he's okay now. He's free, Kihyun. Let him be free."

I shook my head, my heart finally taking all it had. I could feel it shatter in my chest. "God why'd you do this to me? Why'd you do this me? What did I do? Why did you do this to... no why'd you do this to that little boy? He needs his father," I cried.

Unanimously, I heard a chorus of "He has his father." No. He needed his father.

"Let me go, Wonho," I whimpered, shaking his grip loose. I laid next to Hyungwon, holding him close. "The doctors can move around me. He's probably thinking I didn't come. He's not leaving in the arms of anyone else. If I let him go and he dies without me, I will never forgive myself." There was silence in the room after that. I wanted it to just be us, but I knew it was unfair to have him all to myself. I wasn't the only person who loved him.

When the doctor came to disconnect him from everything, everyone he's ever affected was here. All of his brothers and sisters. Except for one. I was gonna have to tell Benji he lost another parent. "Call Jaesung," I mumbled. "I-I need to tell Benji. Hyungwon can't die without him knowing."

I heard the phone ring. "Joo!" Benji cheered. "Where Ki?" He asked.

I took the phone from him. "Hey kiddo." I purposely moved so he couldn't see Hyungwon. "Benji, you are such a good, strong boy. You know that?" He nodded, feeling great. "Benji... Daddy's hurt. Okay? He's hurt really bad. Like Mama."

Seeing his face fall hurt my soul. "And like Mama... Daddy won't be back?" He asked. I shook my head. You would've sworn he was fully my child. "Daddy no! Daddy, I love you. Come back! Daddy don't leave me. You promised you wouldn't leave me! I be an even better boy! Come back." I looked up to Hyungwon. No change. He was gone.

"Baby, he can't. I'm sorry baby, he can't." I wiped my tears. "Tell him you love him... he can hear you." I didn't want to lie to him, but I knew it'd hurt regardless.

Benji stopped crying for a second. "Goodbye, Daddy. I love you. I'll be a good boy for Ki."

I sighed. "I'll be home later baby, okay?" Benji nodded and hung up. I looked up at the doctor. "You can do it now." I whispered, handing the phone back to Jooheon.

All of Hyungwon's family, blood or not, was in this room with him. The doctor talked us all through the process, knowing none of us would fully understand what was going to happen. None of us would be able to fathom that Hyungwon was gone.

From when the machine shut down to when the ventilator was disconnected to the time Hyungwon took his last breath was a total of 17 minutes. I felt his final breath leave his body and I lost it again. I gave him one last kiss before finally standing up. I would've stayed to cry with everyone else, but I had to go home and cry with my son.

"Kihyun!" Jooheon called, leaving the room with me. "What's next, what do we do?"

I shook my head, watching Minhyuk follow after. "We fucking leave. I'm tired. All we do here is die." I wiped my tears, taking a deep breath. "Jooheon, we are gonna go fucking live for once."