Man - y.kh

twelve.

"Mama..." I mumbled. "Mama, please don't go." I kept hitting my head against the wall.

Abraham turned to me, raising his hand to slap me. "You bitch, you caused this!" I didn't feel the impact of his hand. "I-I can't even fucking look at you right now, let alone fucking touch you." He stormed off as I continued to watch them trying to save my mother's life.

Hyungwon approached me, sitting next to me. "Stop it," he said. I shook my head, as it intensified. I couldn't stop it. I was trying to wake myself up, because there was no way my mother was dying. "Hey!" Hyungwon grabbed my head.

"Get off of me!" I screamed as he straddled my lap, trying to hold my head still.

The doctor walked out, coming to talk to me. "She's stable again... But she's fading. If and when she wakes up again, you're gonna want to talk with her. She's not looking good at all."

As the doctor walked away, I rushed in to the room, sitting in a chair next to my mother. I stayed there for hours and hours turned into days. Hyungwon would watch the door for me, as well as bring me food. I never ate it, but it was the thought that counted.

On the third day, she began to move her hand under my head. "Hey love," she mumbled.

I looked up, almost refusing to believe it. "Mama?" I asked.

"What's your name?" She asked, seemingly confused.

I furrowed my eyesbrows. It took me a moment, but knowing she was dying, I decided to bite the bullet. "Mama, it's Sora."

My mother shook her head. "I-It never occurred to me that I had never even listened to you. I never listened when you were younger, I never listened as you were begging for help, I never listened as you told me what your name was. I-I don't even know your name," she whispered, tears falling.

I looked back at Hyungwon, almost asking for permission to tell her. Not that I needed it, but I wasn't sure if I should've. Because what if she just turned around and used my name out of spite? Then again, I remembered that she was dying. It was inevitable at this point. Hyungwon shrugged a bit. I gulped down a breath, turning back to her. "M-My name is Kihyun, Mama..." I was nervous to come out about it, even though I'd done it before.

"Kihyun... That's a nice name. A handsome one." She smiled softly. "For a handsome son of mine." I felt wrong. I felt set up. I didn't know what good thing to feel, it just didn't feel right. "Now, talk to me... About everything."

I let everything out. "I... That man took everything from me. My innocence, my childhood, my happiness, my health... He took my mother from me." She nodded softly, closing her eyes. "He did the worst things to me, Mama... And you didn't believe me just because I'm trans. That, in your eyes, was just proof that I wasn't a truthful human being. This isn't a facade, this is me. And I... Just why? Why did you believe a man over your child?" I asked.

She sighed. "I don't know love, I'm sorry... I was blind. And I wasn't smart. I didn't want to leave." My mother was slowly falling asleep on me.

"Why did I get a lecture about trying to kill myself... And now here you are, struggling from a suicide attempt?" I asked. Anger was now beginning to talk for me.

She shrugged. "I wish I'd done things so differently for you. I'm sorry, Kihyun. I love you. I love you so much."

I nodded, "I love you too, Mama. Despite everything, I should completely depise you. But you're my mama, and I don't want to live without you. You're still my everything. You still raised me. I-I'm not the girl you raised. But, you still taught me how to be a good person, and I know that I know how to be a good man. I can be a good man, Mama... I promise." My own tears began to fall.

My mother caressed my face softly. "I know you can be. You find someone who can and will take care of you the way you'll take care of them. And treat them with nothing but respect. Because that's the child I raised. And I know I was never a good example. But I know you've been taught what not to be. I love you, Kihyun..." Her faded softly and her monitor began beeping rapidly.

"No..." I mumbled. "No, no, no! Mama!" I pressed the emergency call button, tears streaming down my face. "Someone help me, please!" Doctors began to come in, pushing me out of the room. Hyungwon grabbed onto me, taking me into the hall. I felt weak as my knees gave out under me. He sat me down in his lap, holding me tightly. I began to hit my head against his chest. I began praying. I knew my mother believed in God. I didn't know what I believed in, but I know she'd want this. "Pray with me..." I mumbled, grabbing onto Hyungwon's hand. "Please, I know we doubt but Mama would want me to. Please pray with m-"

Hyungwon shushed me, wrapping his arms around me as he continued to hold my hand. "Dear Father, we call on you now. Please spare his mother. Whether it's in this life or the next, please bless her. She's made mistakes but he believes deep inside that she deserves your grace. And we know You're gracious. Please Lord, bless this family. And if we lose her, please choose to gain an angel, Lord." I was speechless, almost. He did that for me.

I took a deep breath, watching intently. They'd been trying for almost twenty minutes to save her. It was over. She was almost gone. They looked at each other and I felt Hyungwon grab me tighter. "Time of death, 21:16..."

I cried harder, leaning down into my lap, letting it all go. "Wh-What's today's date?" I asked, realizing something.

"It's September 5th... Why?" He asked holding onto me.

I shook my head, crying harder. "This... It's her birthday today. And she was born at this time, 33 years ago. What the fuck, man..." Hyungwon hushed me, holding me tightly. "I just hope she's an angel... Because I forgive her. God, can you hear me this time? I forgive her."

Hyungwon began to help me stand up, taking me away. We walked past Abraham, and Hyungwon stopped. "Give me your key," he demanded.

"Why?" He asked.

Hyungwon got closer to him. "Don't make me fucking repeat myself." Abraham nodded, handing over his keys. "I know your worthless ass doesn't have a car, it's just Ms. Yoo's car. And unfortunately she passed away. So thank you for the keys to her car and her house." We began walking away again before Hyungwon turned around. "And you, you lost your excuse to use and abuse my boyfriend. If I even hear that you were around there, I will find you and kill you. If you touch him, I'll beat your ass. You don't want me to get pissed off. I oughta kill you for all you've done anyway. It ends today, Abe. It fucking ends today. And you're going back to jail." After his speech, we began walking to the front.

Minhyuk bumped into me, just to bother me. "Enough. Don't fuck with me right now." Minhyuk just laughed, continuing to pester me.

"Oh come on, trender, loosen up a bit." His laughter stopped as he got punched in the fucking mouth.

I glared at him, fist balled tightly. "Disrespect me like again, you piece of shit. My mother just fucking died, don't even begin with me." I looked at my hand and saw the blood. I wiped my hand to see I didn't cut myself, so the blood was all from Minhyuk. "Leave me the fuck alone." Hyungwon grabbed my hand, guiding me out.

As we approached my mother's car, I sighed, not having rode in this car for years. "I'm sorry," Hyungwon sighed. "I'm gonna take you home."

I nodded slightly. "Do me a few favors though. And then I don't wanna talk anymore." Hyungwom nodded. "One, if I'm not your boyfriend, you don't have to talk to anyone else as if I am. We barely know each other. Two, at the same time, I don't want you to leave alone, so please come with me. Three..." I took a deep breath and burst into tears again. "Don't trust anything I say when I say I'm okay. I'm scared of myself and I shouldn't be trusted so please don't trust me."

Hyungwon drove into my old driveway. "Okay, Ki... I got you." We went inside and I immediately went into my mother's room. I grabbed her favorite blanket, my baby blanket. It smelled just like her. I looked at it and noticed a few drops of blood on it. I cried softly, sitting on the floor, holding the blanket. Hyungwon came upstairs and held me. And it felt nice, it felt okay... But it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted my Mama.