Man - y.kh

fifty-five.

Hyungwon was allowed to spend three hours alone with me every other day. Surprisingly, in the past month, I was able to get my license. He would wait for me to come get him after I picked Jooheon up from school. Either way, we saw each other every day anyway. When I picked up Jooheon today though, it wasn't the end of the day. When he called me, I missed it at first. It was his voicemail he left me.

"Kihyun," he sniffled. He'd been crying. "Listen, I know Hyungwon is getting better and he needed help. I know I needed to learn how to take care of myself anyway. But now I'm isolated. I've been in such a dark place and I haven't been able to talk about it. Hyungwon is darker. I shouldn't talk about it, not while he's literally having seizures to disconnect from his thoughts. But something happened. And I can't talk about it. I'm tired, Kihyun. I'm so tired. I start high school in the fall and if it's any part as bad as this? No. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't even have to tell you what I mean, you know. Everyone would fucking know. I love you. I love Hyungwon, Minhyuk, Mama, Luna. I know I'm gonna be found and I don't care. Luna's gonna bark, either you get to me or someone else. But remember how much I love you. Don't forget to tell everyone else how much I love them please. Bye." I wasted no time getting up and grabbing my keys. I was supposed to give myself my T shot, but it's not like missing it would hurt anything. I guess that was something new too, I was on the path to transitioning, finally. But I couldn't think about anything other than finding Jooheon.

When I buzzed into the school, I rushed to the office. "Ma'am, can you stop running?" The secretary asked. My voice had dropped a little bit, so when I spoke up, she was kinda shocked.

"No, because my little brother, Lee Jooheon, Jooheon Lee, however you have him listed in the system. The kid with the dog, he left me a voicemail and it sounds like he's trying to kill himself." I pulled my phone out, checking the time. "An hour ago?! Oh my fucking God! Please, send anyone you can to check the bathrooms, the stairs, I know he gets an elevator key too. Check everything please." I started to cry, wondering if I'd been too late and let him down. I knew he didn't want to die and he wasn't purposely looking for attention. He needed someone to pay attention though. "And listen for a dog barking!"

I ran to the middle of the first floor of classrooms. The bell rang literally as soon as I got there. Kids leaving the classrooms. Loud chatter. No one was stopping because of a weird sound or running out of the bathrooms in fear. So I went upstairs. No one reacting, still. But I decided to go look anyway. "Hey, watch it," a kid threatened as I rushed past him. I will kick a scrawny little kid's ass right now, I don't care.

"Jooheon?" I called, looking in the first set of bathrooms. I ran into the boys' bathroom, looking under the stalls. If I see a dog, I know it's Jooheon. Nothing. I darted over across to the girls' bathroom. Nothing. Same thing for the bathrooms down the hall. One more floor to check. When I got upstairs, students were gathered around one area. A few teachers were heading into the bathroom. That's when I ran. "Excuse me! Don't touch him, let me through." A teacher tried to hold me back. "No, he's autistic, you guys know this! You can't touch him, he needs me. You're gonna upset him."

The teacher shook his head. "You don't want to go in there." I pulled away from him.

"Is he dead?" I asked. "Unconscious? If he's unconscious, I can deal with that. Is he breathing? And someone call his mom or his brother." I got past the teacher and saw what was happening.

The nurse and her assistant looked up at me. "You shouldn't be watching this." He was seizing, but not his typical, hypoglycemic shock seizure. Overdose seizure. Paired with a lot of blood around him.

I rushed by his side, calling Minhyuk. "Where's Luna?" I looked around and there was no sign of her. "Hey, go check the window." This bathroom had some access to the roof if anyone wanted to climb out. "Minhyuk? Minhyuk, listen. Get your mom and tell her she needs to either come home and watch Hyungwon or come to Jooheon's school... He fucking tried to kill himself in the bathroom."

I heard Minhyuk sigh softly. "I'll get her on the way and I'll stay with Hyungwon. She'll cry and it'll worry him if she stays." He sighed such a defeated sigh and I understood. "How did we miss this one?" I looked up to see a staff member getting Luna from the roof.

"I don't know. He even put Luna on the roof so she didn't bark for help." I took Luna's leash, walking out of the bathroom while paramedics came. "He's such a sweet kid and I know a few of these kids watching right now have pushed him to this point too. He said in his voicemail that something happened? But he couldn't talk about it."

Minhyuk went silent for a bit. "I swear to God, I can't deal with this anymore. Why can't we all just go? Leave this fucking town and start fresh?" He asked. I wish I had an answer for him.

When I came back to the house to pick up Hyungwon for our time together, he already felt the vibe. "Something's wrong," he said. "Jooheon's not here, what's wrong?" I reached out for his hand.

"Let's go and we'll talk." He nodded, trusting me. "You can't fall apart when we talk."

Hyungwon furrowed his eyes. "One, why would I? And two, why can't I?" His hands started to shake.

"Calm down, baby." I kissed his cheek softly. As we got in the car, I took a deep breath. "Do you want to go to my place or do you really care?"

He shook his head. "I don't care. Just tell me why we're going where we're going." It didn't take long for Hyungwon to recognize the path we were taking. "For fuck's sake..." he whispered. "Who is it? My fake brothers? My real brother? My real sister? Can't talk for my fake one, she's fucking dead." He was angry, which was understandable. We all were.

I took a deep breath. "It's Jooheon. And as far as I'm concerned, that is your real brother. But grab my phone and listen to his voicemail."

Hearing it a second time hurt even more if that was even possible. "What happened to him? Did he ever tell you?" I shook my head softly.

"He was unconscious and seizing when I got to him. Overdose and a lot of self harm. I feel like he'll speak though. When he has you me and Minhyuk around, he'll speak. And they said he had a small stroke from the overdose." I was honestly ready to risk it all for Jooheon. There was nothing I had left to lose. None of us did.

We stayed by his side for hours waiting for him to wake up. Their mother was in and out of the room, talking to doctors and social services and therapists. All of this was taking a toll on her and it was evident every time she walked back into the room. "Ow." Hyungwon, Minhyuk, and I looked up to see Jooheon starting to move. "Where's Luna?" We hadn't spoken up yet, confused considering Lima was right as his feet. That's when Jooheon opened his eyes and glanced around. "Am I alone?" He turned his head a certain way, taking a deep breath when he saw me.

My eyes widened slightly as Minhyuk went to get a doctor. "Jooheon, can't you see us?" He shook his head. "Blurry or dark?" I asked.

"Black, in like half of my eye." He pointed to the spot that was dark. Of course, he was partially, and hopefully temporarily, blind in one eye after the stroke.

A few tests later and we were all finally alone. "Alright kid," Hyungwon sighed. "Regardless of what's going on, you can always talk to any of us. Your problems aren't smaller because of any of ours. So talk to us."

Jooheon sighed softly. "I got into a relationship." Okay? Why did that help lead to his downfall? "This girl was nice to me for a change and she asked me out. Then I realized she was a stoner. I wasn't gonna let it bother me though. I hung out with her and her friends. Much older people. Long story short, she baited me. Pushed me far out of my comfort zone. Fun fact, I'm not a virgin." He shrugged softly. "Can't call it the R word bc it wasn't. I wasn't gonna say no, even if I didn't want to do anything."

I sighed a bit. "Still not okay. What tipped your scale though?" He sighed softly again.

"I was far more lonely than when I was alone. I've been a good kid and I'm not sure why I deserved any of this. The heartbreak, the disabilities, the pain." That's what made me cry. We tried to keep him as sheltered as possible but now he was affected by the same shit.

So I texted his mom. "We all need to move. Period."