A couple friends told me I should do this. That it helps. And some nights like tonight I need help but never ask for it so maybe this will be easier. To speak words of bullshit out into the void that is the pad of watts.
Most of you know me as Wolfy, and if you have the grand privilege of knowing me personally you know my secret identity *whispers mysteriously* I'm kidding lol. I'm not really anyone important. Just another dweeb that likes a good story.
At some point everyone asks why I go by Wolfy. I've always loved wolves. They're my favorite animal. They're strong, resilient, and have an undying will to survive and for that I respect and admire them. I hope I could only grow to develop that level of fortitude. A wolf is brave, loving and protecting its cherished ones fiercely. A wolf exudes mystique and beauty both in silence and in song.
My love for wolves translated into life and for that reason I go by and am known by friends as Wolfy. I relate to so many of their qualities but only lately have I realized why I choose to identify myself as that nickname. I think of all wolves, the one I am most akin to is a lone wolf.
Although I love to spend time with people and enjoy being in a 'pack' sometimes, there's something in me deep down that almost always feels alone. I've worried that there's something wrong with me, and there probably is a lot wrong. But I fear there's a flaw in my soul. A fissure that is wild and untamed and will never allow itself to quiet its thrashing.
I worry that I will never truly feel complete with myself, feel like I'm enough for anyone. I worry I am the problem why every pack I've been in eventually deems me unworthy or I choose to leave because I'm afraid if I stay it will end and I will be the one left with the pain. I'm so terrified that all the fucking loss I drag around like a heart on my sleeve will keep me from stretching out roots and finding peace. I feel it sometimes, but then there's nights like tonight when I just want to howl at the moon until my throat is raw.
Wolves in packs flourish, they have it easier. They work together, use each other's help. Yet I choose to make things harder on myself every time I step away from familiarity. I choose to struggle on my own, hunt alone in silence, roam through my madness with a snarl at the ready for anyone who offers assistance. And I don't know why. Why does my instinct scream at me to not truly let them in?
Maybe I would rather actually be alone than feel lonely surrounded by people that are meant to love me.
I'm a leader, I always have been. Others come to me for advice, comfort, wisdom. And I don't understand why because I do not feel wise. But when it comes time that I need help from certain people that should be closest I feel my worries are insignificant. Not important. Why? Because people know I solve the problem myself. Or shove the worry away and bury it. And so I rarely reveal my true inner thoughts because I've learned the hard way.
A lone wolf has the freedom of zero commitment. Not tethered to anyone and maybe that is easier but I'm afraid if I go down this path again I will lose myself in it. And yet my heart aches for it. I daydream of running away from my life and never looking back, because although some claim to love me, it feels like they just love what I do for them. What use I am.
Like a lone wolf I am the leader of my life. I drive myself forward, and adapt and survive and push the pain down and relentlessly battle my own mind and people's doubts. I've always managed to do that and survive. I'm determined to, without depending on anyone because you cannot depend on anyone but yourself in the end. So from others I turn away again.
But my heart is at war with itself because what is the merit of living without love in your heart to warm it? And tonight is a cold night.
And tonight I howl at the moon.
