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TONE·LESS
lacking expression
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my hands wiped the moist surface of my skin, a shaky breath releasing.
"maybe it was a dare." my mom rubbed my back. she had a point, nick did look genuinely shocked.
"i don't know mom, i wanted to slap that girl so hard." i clenched my fists and fell back into bed. she rubbed my leg. "you're okay, i would rather you pretend to in your mind than actually do it."
i smiled to myself. "let's hope he leaves me alone for a while." i mumbled. my mom was nice to talk to when she wasn't lecturing me.
"i'm going to go do laundry, call me if you need me, okay?"
she stood up and exited my room, closing the door behind her.
i closed my eyes and exhaled. i looked at my phone, no notifications.
why was he being so silent? should i text?
i tapped my leg and thought about it. did i really want to?
half of me thought it was nicks fault. he obviously didn't pull back at first, it was like he wanted it. he was embracing it.
why was i so stupid? 80% of high school relationships don't make it out of that school, especially seniors.
my eyes peeled to the ceiling, i went through the thoughts in my head. i had no idea what to do.
before i could ponder another depressing idea for my so called relationship, a small tap on the window.
nick?
i sat up, and walked to the window.
down below was nobody but nick, having a hopeful smile.
i opened the window carefully, the vent had been removed months ago.
"can i come up?" he asked. first off, my room was a mess. did i really want him to see this? no, i didn't.
"let me come down." i called into the hushed muted cold breeze. he nodded and i closed my window carefully.
a pair of slippers and a warm cardigan later and i was approaching him on the porch.
his arms wrapped around me and i accepted the hug. through all of that serious pouting and soul searching and anger towards him, i accepted it.
because nick and i had been through some shit, not including my deceased temporary lover, our feud when we first met, and so much more emotional things.
i felt so toneless towards my past, except for nick.
we both sat down on the small wooden canopy chair on the deck of my house. my knees were on his lap.
"i don't know what to say, i have no idea what happened." he talked first, and i nodded.
i wanted to listen.
"i just remember her kissing me and then having to hold you back, i didn't know about it beforehand. she even told me earlier i was like a brother." nick shook his head in disbelief.
"in a way i understand, i really do. if i wasn't so held back by emotion and you, i'd be a wild child."
"so i'm holding you back?"
"yeah. you're holding me back but in a way you're holding me down. you're anchoring me from going off the edge, because you're so sweet to me and caring and you went for me....even when i shouldn't of been your target."
he stared at me. now it was his turn to listen.
"i don't know what to think because i will always fear of girls snatching you, but not because i'm jealous but because you're smoking." i let out a small laugh and so did he.
"i mean not to brag but...." he licked his finger and placed it on his bicep. "tssss." he faked a small sizzling noise.
we both took a moment to smile and enjoy that joke, even if it was out of the serious note.
"i just feel like i don't appreciate you enough." i whispered, staring at my hands that fumbled on my lap.
"like insecure?" he asked. "yes, but emotionally. committedly, towards our relationship."
"i get that a lot, i feel like i am not pressing into it enough. we need our space sometimes, you know? sometimes we need to find out ourselves before we find out each other."
i nodded in agreement. he wasn't wrong.
he sat up and put his hand on my cheek.
"i will never stop loving you. and i mean that, even if we do break up, in some future circumstances, i will always have a place for you in my heart." he smiled.
i placed my hand on his arm that lead up to my cheek.
"i love you. like no joke, i fucking love you." i tried to keep in the tears, the small drops slipping down to my smile.
he leaned in and our lips touched, a more intense feeling than ever dragging onto our mouths.
