From Fat to Phat

|24| What a wondeful world

SING
/sɪŋ/
verb
1.
make musical sounds with the voice, especially words with a set tune.

The moment I opened the door the cold air hit my skin which sent a shiver down my spine. But that didn't seem to bother me as much as the state I had found Jacob in. He was pacing up and down whilst he ran his ridiculously long fingers into his long black hair and he tugged the roots so he tightly. His breathing was uneven and he kept on rambling words I couldn't quite make out.

"Fuck... what would she think off me..... dammit I'm such a disappointment.... the voices are just in your head.... think good things....control the anger...."

I was almost certain that I would find angry Jacob that way I would at least know that I shouldn't do which is try and force him to talk to me or offer "unwanted" help on his part. In my head I had been running the right words and phrases to say to him when I found him for the past thirty minutes only to find him like this.

All rattled up like he had seen a ghost. I didn't know what to say or better yet what not to say after all this was Jacob you never really know what to say or do everything you do is some sort of a trigger to him.
I could see that he was struggling and as crazy as it sounds I felt like I looking at him for the very first time. Not the facade he puts on to make him seem "tough" and "angry" all the time. This boy in front of me was broken in ways I was certain no shrink could fix. And for some weird reason I just knew that this was him this right here was Jacob Knight. He still hadn't noticed me and the way he was pacing back and forth was starting to worry me.

"Jacob." I called out his name as softly as I could making sure that I wouldn't spoke him or startle him. He looked up to me and he froze for a second.

"Fuck what are you doing here?" The way he said those words he was nervous and all worked up. He continued to pace up and down like he didn't care that I was here.

"You know what forget that, you need to leave no you need to go now." He said before I could even answer.

"NOW!" He screamed but it didn't scare me I just kept on looking at his figure which kept on moving from left to right and his breathing was getting worse it was getting worse for him to breathe. And I knew exactly what was happening to him and if I needed to help him it was definitely not by forcing him to talk to me. So I slowly began to walk towards him without alerting him.

"I nee- I need to- I need a smoke I-I can't seem to stop-." He reached for the packet from the back of his jeans and then he pulled out the lighter as well. But his hands where shaking so much I was surprised he was even able to do that. He attempted to open and pick a cigarette from the packet but the cigarette slipped onto the ground so did the next one and the one after that and he got so damn angry that he threw the packet onto the ground.

"FUCK!!!" Before I knew it the lighter followed too. He turned away from me and he faced the wall and he kicked the wall so hard that I was almost certain that his leather boot had a dent and he might have hurt his foot in the process. But if he did he didn't show it.

"OMG Jacob." I said without thinking and I walked towards him but I stopped my tracks because next thing I knew he was punching the wall with his other hand the one that didn't have a cast and he just kept going at it over and over and over again. I could see the blood starting to come out of it.

"Stop, please Jacob stop hurting yourself." I pleaded but he kept on going like he couldn't hear me I couldn't go there and stop him the rage he radiating off him was so intense.

It's like when I have my panic attacks I can't breath instead I choke and the world around me painfully slowing down. My chest hurts so much that sometimes I think my heart is about to burst out of my rib cage. Everything is numb and anyone who tries to calm me down makes it worse cause I can't hear what they're saying which makes it worse cause in that split second I think that maybe I've gone deaf. For me it's all that but for Jacob it's anger his panic attack is him getting so pissed off he pushes away anyone in sight and he hurts himself. So think Ellie think of something to calm him down without having to watch him break his wrist. Because at this moment he was totally oblivious he wasn't in his right mind right now all he could see was fire. And I acted without thinking and the next thing I knew.....