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Her emotions were held prison by her own mind. Her broken heart remained under lock and key with a wall built around it.
She watched Lisa grieve, unable to do it herself.
She let Jack and her mother decide what they should say to the police. It wouldn't matter. No one would pay the price for one more troubled teen who's gone missing.
It only took so many I'm okay before Jack and her mom realized why she was acting so strange. After that they stopped asking. Lisa stopped wanting to be around her.
Paisley didn't blame her.
She went back to school, and her friends took whatever explanation she gave them with no questions.
Then they found his body.
She had to stand beside his grave side while his family cried for him, while her mom cried, and she could not shed a single tear.
She watched Lisa as he was put into the ground. It was easy to see that until that moment she'd been waiting for a miracle. She'd been waiting for him to come back to her.
If anyone could have, it would have been Jay, but she knew that wasn't going to happen. She had watched his blood soak the ground. She'd been covered with it.
The moment he had left her, she'd felt it to her very core.
He was gone, but he had left apart of himself inside of her. If she closed her eyes and concentrate as hard as she could, she could feel him. She could find him in the darkness.
"Paisley, it's time."
She walked forward because it was expected of her. She let the rose fall from her fingers and watched it come to lie on the brown casket that held the boy she'd loved more than anything, then she walked back to her spot.
How was it she would never see him again? Never hear his voice again. How could there be a world without Jay in it?
Movement across the cemetery caught her attention, and she looked that way. Jay's killer was standing there watching her.
He's always standing there watching her.
He looked worse than any of them. He never ate, he hardly slept, all he did was watch her.
She could tell everyone what he did and maybe they would listen to her and maybe they wouldn't.
In the end, she didn't. Jay had saw to his punishment.
Being trapped in your own mind was unbearable.
She should know. And she couldn't even be upset about it. She was okay.
Feeling a hand take hers, she looked up to find Seth standing at her side. Jackson or Hannah must have called him.
It seemed a lifetime ago that she stood here with him as he buried Mia.
After the funeral Jack and Lisa had everyone back to their place, but she decided against going. Lisa was having a hard-enough time without her there.
She went home, and against her wishes her friends followed her.
"Would you like some tea? Soda?"
Hannah patted her hand. "I'll see to everyone. Why don't you sit and rest?"
She did as she was instructed.
Jackson sat next to her and gave her a nudge. "We're worried about you."
"I'm okay."
"You keep saying that and I keep not believing you."
"I'm fine. I have to be." In her mind's eye, she pictured Jay standing behind her, his hand on her shoulder. "You should go offer Lisa your condolences and I'll see everyone tomorrow at school."
Seth sat across from her, but he still reached to take her hands. "Talk to us, Paisley."
Talk. If she talked, she wouldn't be okay so talking about him wasn't an option. She watched Hannah set down some glasses on the coffee table then she sat next to Seth.
Josh was on the other side of him. The two of them had barely looked at each other all day.
How could you go from loving someone more than life to barely being able to look at them?
"Paisley, talk to us."
"Okay. I will give all of you some advice. Life is too short. We've learned nothing if not that this year." She looked at Josh. "If you break up with Hannah you will regret it for the rest of your life. You and that girl will date for a while, you will start walking again but a few years from now you'll be alone, and you'll never forget the one you let get away. You never get over losing her. Stop being mad at her because she always has her brother and sister to take care of. You knew that about her from the beginning. You should be proud of her. She's stronger than all of us."
She looked at Hannah next. "I don't blame you for being upset with him. I don't blame you for thinking maybe he isn't who you thought he was. He hurt you and it doesn't matter; you'll still love him until the day you die. You will work yourself into an early grave and have nothing to show for it."
Looking at Seth, she gave a small smile. "Your future is unknown. You have time to start all over. Don't waste it. Jay____."
Her throat clogged up, so she stood. "I know you want to be here for me like I was here for you, but you can't be. I'm sorry, but you can't be. You need to take care of yourself right now. Can everyone see themselves out? I think I will go lay down."
Upstairs she kicked off her shoes and climbed in on her side of the bed and she faced his side of the bed. A muddy, weak vision of him laid there looking back at her. "Don't be mad at me. I'm trying."
