𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓢𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓼

10 | dinner with my teacher

This time she stayed completely stoic, not looking surprised by my behavior.
"You know you'll have to give me something even though you left class today right?"

Diverting my gaze, I began to stare at those trees in front of us. Déjà-vu feeling. Except that this time I had control over myself.

Think before acting Amanda, whispered my conscience.

Oh long time no see old friend.

Stop speaking to yourself weirdo.

"I know it can be really hard to write about something personal. Even more knowing that your teacher will read it after. But... you know, I want to make you feel like you can trust me. I want you to talk to me if you need to."

"Well, I don't want to talk to you. Plus it's not like I've got anything to say." I answered, feeling my tone turning into something I didn't like.

Focus.

Can I go now?
Why wasn't I able to say it out loud?

"I'm not trying to pry into your business or anything. That's not my intentions at all. I just want you to... I don't know, feel better? Be as happy as you deserve to be. And maybe talking about what weight on your chest might help you."
My mouth opened and closed many times, I couldn't find the right words. I was incredibly mad at her for actually searching for me to open up to a stranger, but at the same time I was just... kinda lost. Surprised maybe.

"You know that's not possible to be unhappy when an excited child like Jade keeps jumping all around you the whole day."
Again, only my chuckled could be heard. It was like reliving the same scene all over again.
"Maybe I should lend her to you for a day so you'd see by yourself." I added looking directly into her eyes, zoning out for a few seconds.

"...I know what you're doing."

I immediately raised an eyebrow at that weird comment."What am I doing?"

"You hide behind humor because you don't want people to see your true feelings." She answered, tilting her head a bit to the side.

Breathe. Breathe, repeated my conscience until I actually managed to do it.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I slowly said, trying to look normal and not absolutely shocked and scared and lost and angry.

Not able to look at her anymore, I began walking again hearing her following me closely.
Nobody dared to speak again for a few time which was weird coming from her, she seemed to always know what to say.
I honestly haven't realized where my feet were leading us, I just followed the way of the wind I think, being totally overwhelmed by my thoughts.

"Amanda."

"What?" I released with a sigh, my voice being way weaker than I wanted it to be.

"I've got an idea. You can't open up like that and I totally understand. But maybe by giving me real poems about how you truly feel may help you. It's not like you'll actually explain every things that happened to you because poetry can be way more abstract if you want it to be. But that way it would feel like... you're sharing a bit of your feelings with me. Look I know that was a terrible idea to impose it to you. I shouldn't have. But now I'm giving you the choice. If you want to write about this subject I asked your class to, you can do it. And if you don't want to that's up to you. But know that I can be a great listener and.. I wouldn't even have to say anything if you don't feel like it."

Somewhere in her speech my feet had decided to stop, making me facing her with lips slightly parted. What. the. fuck. was. that?
This time I couldn't find myself using humor or a snappy tone. I just stayed still, staring at that woman in front of me.
I didn't sense a hint of bad intentions in her, I actually never had no matter what I forced my mind to think. But I wasn't good at reading people. The greatest angel in my eyes had showed up being my worst nightmare.
So what was her point in all of that? What did she want me to do that? What could it bring to her?
I've never been totally unable to speak, because remember those Inside Out characters in my head? They were always there. They never left me. Where were they now that I really needed them? I had no idea what I was supposed to think, or do.
I wasn't feeling angry anymore, or hurt, or anything. I was just shocked.