𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓢𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓼

62 | so this is love

warning: quite long chapter

A wave of loneliness and pain slapped me right in the face when I woke up in panic, immediately searching for someone next to me in the bed. I mean, not just someone. Her.

"I fucking hate you." I mumbled with a raspy voice, literally talking to myself and letting my head fall on the huge pillow again.

Where she was so peacefully and breathtakingly laying  a day ago was now a vacant and cold place.
And that was enough to make forget all about what had happened in my head for the past hours or minutes. She was more powerful than the memory of this tall and scary man's hands hitting my little body, leaving bruises all over me.

My fingers unconsciously went to my neck, where the foundation that had covered this mark on my neck during the whole day had been washed away with the rest of my minimal makeup and a sad smile momentarily settled on my face.

With a small sigh I wiped off my now wet cheeks and silently left the bed to join the window, only wearing some shorts and her sweater that I had the great idea to bring with me here.

The window surprisingly opened in complete silence. At least I wouldn't wake her up this time.

It was deep night and the wind was cold, making my body shiver.

Since it happened a few days ago I had tried my best to not think about it, but her words nevertheless kept haunting me.
love...
What a personal pet name. Among all the ones she had given me, this one felt way deeper.
Once I allowed this memory to invade my thoughts, a sea of other ones followed. Particularly this night in her room, when she looked desperate about transmitting what was in her heart.

I'm sick to the bones, knowing that for once I should have listened to my brain, and not fall for you, Amanda. But that's too late. I remembered her telling me.

And that's exactly what I meant, she should have listened to her brain. It felt like decades ago, but now I understood how true and sincere those words were.

Another heavy sigh left my throat before I hid my face between my palms, elbows resting on the windowsill.

I remained in that position for a while, until a noise startled me. It didn't take me long to understand the window on my left was opening.
Out of options I jumped back and hid behind the wall separating us, afraid that she would hear me or see that my window was open.

A long sigh resembling mine erupted from her room.

So I still had this terrifying power to wake her up after having a nightmare. How was that even physically possible? I didn't wake up in tears so there was no way she could have heard me. That couldn't keep happening again and again, it had been this way since the beginning of the year and I just couldn't understand how her body could react as if it was connected with mine.

She remained quiet for a very long time, and I was debating whether to close my window or leave it open, too afraid she would hear it and understand I had been standing there the whole time.

But then, her voice suddenly filled the silent space surrounding us. A voice that was audibly burdened by heavy doubts, but still remained pure and soft.

The air got stuck in my throat when I realized what she was softly singing, just loud enough for me to hear it.
So she knew I was there.

"Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you, sister golden hair surprise. And I just can't live without you, can't you see it in my eyes?" She began, making me acknowledge those lyrics I had never even thought about.
That was the song of one of our shared memories, when she was driving us to the café in London.