𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓢𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓼

36 | being enough

At the end of her letter I wasn't crying, wasn't shaking, I just was just staring at those words, wondering if my eyes were faulty, making me imagine things that were far away from the reality.

« I'm depending on you. »

Not able to refrain myself anymore I quickly stood up, not bothering to take my stuffs, and ran towards the building.
Towards her room.

As I was firmly holding the paper, I knocked on her door. And almost immediately, like she was waiting behind it, she appeared, wearing a nervous expression.

"What's that?" I questioned, showing the letter.

Afraid that anyone would hear that, she quickly pushed me into the room, closing the door behind me.

Not accepting another non-answer, I insisted "What do you mean?"

"W-what, what do I mean?" She mumbled, clenching her arms tight around her, looking confused at my behavior.

At this very moment I honestly didn't give a shit about how loud my voice was getting.
I quickly laid the paper on the bed between us, continuing to shout:
"What do you mean by you're depending on me?! What the fuck does it mean?"

A frown appeared on her face.
Fortunately she decided to stay where she was, not daring to walk closer. Maybe I was actually scaring her.

"That's... pretty clear already. What do you want me-" She began, only to be interrupted by my impatient self.

"I need to know what that word means to you. Because I'm fucking depending on you and I don't want to! So I really need to understand what you mean by that!" I admitted, realizing too late that those words had left my lips.

"... So that's why you've been avoiding me." She stated as a matter of fact.

Not dropping my snappy and bitchy tone I refused to give her the pleasure to receive a clear answer
"Just answer my question. Please. "

A wave of hesitation invaded her eyes and I had to fight hard to stay in the room and wait for her to find her words as I then saw her struggling to find the right ones.

"I'm... really bad at putting words onto my feelings, it literally took me hours to write that, but I think that's just... the perfect word to express it.."

Seeing that it was far away from an enough answer, she continued, lowering her voice with every word.

"Look I've been depressed those past few days because you wouldn't want to even look at me." She began, drawing a light smile on her face on the aim to lighten the situation.
"Whenever you're smiling, I smile. Whenever you're laughing I find my heart pounding lighter. It has been that way since the beginning but it has amplified so much with time. I just... don't want to spend another day away from you, because I really really need your presence.... That's how much I'm depending on you."

I could tell it cost her a lot to say it out loud. And that's when I realized how similar we actually were. We both had been hurt by different people, causing the level of our self-confidence to dramatically drop to negative.
But no matter how hard it had been to share those words with me she somehow managed to do it. And that meant a lot.

When I realized she was at the verge of crying in front of me -which she only had done once- I pushed all my thoughts away to join her in the center of the room. Just in time to catch a tear rolling down her cheek with my thumb.

You made her cry you bitch.

For a few seconds I lost myself into her watery but still hypnotizing eyes, just wishing for them to stop and regain their usual sparkle.